What to do
about bullying
October is Bullying Prevention
Month. Bullying is a symptom of a lawless society and one of the biggest
problems in schools today. It’s not only physical bullying that’s on the
increase, emotional and cyber-bullying is too.
When my son was bullied at school
in grade 7, I knew that he had to learn to stand up for himself, and that
intervening would make the situation worse. So, I suggested that we bake a
batch of ‘Brooklax’ cookies for him to take to school and teach the bullies a
lesson. (Brooklax is a ‘chocolate’ laxative).
I bought two boxes of the stuff, grated
it and added it to the biscuit mix. We had great fun imagining the chaos that
would erupt in the classroom after lunch break – or later the next afternoon on the
sports field. We left the biscuits on a wire-rack to cool with strict
instructions to the rest of the family not to sample any – if they chose to,
they did so at their own risk!
When my husband came home from work,
we managed to warn him in time before he sampled a cookie. But he was not
impressed and said that I, a nurse of all people, was behaving irresponsibly! So,
I threw the cookies away. But I considered the exercise a success because my
son and I had had a good laugh and this seemed to quell his inhibitions. It was
the last I heard of the problem.
Bulling amongst girls comes in the
way of bitchiness. When my daughter was continually demeaned by a girl in her
class, I suggested she take her a slab of chocolate (no Brooklax this time) to
sweeten the friendship. As a result, they became firm friends. It turned out the
girl’s parents were going through a really ugly divorce at the time.
I appreciate that these are really
minor examples of bullying, but the point I want to make is that it is how
parents and teachers react to bullying that’s important. Inevitably the bully
is punished, exiled or even expelled and this only expounds the problem for the
bully – whose trouble-making was a cry for help in the first place.
The profile of a bully is a
child/teenager who is often withdrawn, seemingly ungrateful, stubborn and
sulky, defensive with extreme mood changes, who can’t control their temper.
Some of these characteristics may stem from genetic make-up, an unhappy family
with issues like depression, dependency or divorce. As a result, the child has
a poor self-image, may always get into trouble at school and gets their revenge
by hurting others.
Why do children become bullies?
For some children who are brought
up in institutions or foster homes, bullying is their survival. Living on the
dingy side of town where gangs, drugs, alcohol and poverty is part of its
make-up, initiates children into bullying as a way of life.
Problems at home such as illness,
the death of a parent, abusive partners, sexual assault and illegal immigration
that forces families to live on the edge of survival, erupts when children lash
out at ‘privileged’ children at school or in the neighbourhood as a way of
coping with their own anger and frustrations.
Children who are constantly
criticized or belittled by their parents, become accustomed to this type of
communication, and doing this to other children is their way of coping. Children
who are always disappointed by their parents, never learn trust or
responsibility.
How do you know when your child is being
bullied?
Children often hide bullying. They
feel humiliated and ashamed and don’t like talking about it – even to their
parents. Tell-tale signs like torn clothes, cuts and bruises should alert
parents. If there are no physical signs, children can become withdrawn and
behave differently – they may not want to eat or overeat, become diligent or slack,
start getting poor grades at school or become aggressive at home.
What can parents do if their child is bullied?
Make time to talk to your child. Take
a walk to the shops or go for a milk-shake. If your child is a teenager, go to
the park (remember they don’t want their friends to see them at the mall with
their parents).
Be calm. Give your child the chance
to tell you the whole story without
interruptions. Discuss options. Make decisions and act on these. Talk about
the progress.
If the bullying continues or the
issues are beyond your control, make an appointment to speak to the school
principal. It may be necessary for authorities to step in before the situation
gets out of hand.
Above all, teach your child
confidence. Learning to take control of the situation will teach your child a
valuable life lesson. After all, bullies are not limited to childhood. We have
to learn how to deal with them in everyday in adult-life too.
