Tweens...too young to be adults, too old to be kids.

Any parent with teenagers will agree with evangel lawmaker Steve Largent when he said that raising teenagers was more stressful than serving in congress! Anthropologist Margaret Mead once wrote that parenting teenagers is something that most parents dread and look back on with the relief of survivors. She describes adolescence as ‘the period in which idealism followed and rebellion against authority waxed strong; a period during which difficulties and conflicts were absolutely inevitable’. 

Parenting teenagers has always been difficult (okay, there are a very few exceptions to this rule – but sometimes when teenagers don’t get over their rebelliousness, they can become disillusioned adults). Don’t even think about comparing your youth with your teenager’s life today. You grew up in a very different era: today social media rules, peer pressure is power, teenagers are technologically expedient and they speak another language.  

Talking to a teenager is just about impossible. The speak-to-my-hand generation would prefer it if you simply sent a text – even if they are in the same room. Your well-rehearsed conversation can end explosively and leave you seething and feeling hurt and rejected. Your teenager on the other hand may feel misunderstood. This is because teenagers are torn between the responsibilities of adulthood and the colourful fantasy world of childhood they’ve had to leave behind. Too young to be adult, they’re too old to be kids.  

Are parents today overprotective or are they too busy with their own lives to be involved with their teenagers to find out what’s going? Babies grow up in crèches, children do their homework at aftercare and teenagers come home to an empty house, eat a microwave meal and watch TV in their bedrooms. Responsible for themselves, teenagers want to do grown-up stuff like smoke, drink and have sex. Many have week-end and after-hours jobs, they’re responsible for helping around the house and bringing up siblings. Their days may be as long and weary as yours.

Here are some tips from Laurence Steinberg’s book: ‘The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting’.  

1. What you do matters:

Studies have shown that good parenting continues to help teenagers stay out of trouble. 

2. You can’t be too loving:

Teens need to be hugged and praised.

3. Stay involved:

It’s even more important now to know what’s going on at school, who your teenager’s friends are and spend time together.

4. Adapt your parenting:

As children grow older, their ability to reason improves. They will challenge you if what you’re asking doesn’t make sense. 

5. Set limits:

Without them life is chaotic and uncertain.

6. Foster independence:

Give your teen space to be self-reliant – don’t micromanage them. 

7. Explain your decisions:

You can’t say ‘because I said so’ anymore!

Christmas prepping

December always reminds me of my childhood when Ouma (my grandmother) was healthy and strong and bossed us all around getting ready for Christmas. Windows were cleaned, curtains washed, cupboards emptied and tidied. The pantry was stocked with dried fruit, bottled konfyt (jam) and chutney. The old lady believed in work, work, work. Swimming, playing and reading for fun was out. 

Dried fruit for the Christmas cake had to be sorted, stalks and stones removed, washed and carefully dried. Peaches, apricots and figs from the garden were peeled and cooked, minced or dried. I remember the coal stove in the kitchen that kept the water hot, and baked the perfect bread. One Christmas Ouma gave me a little blue and white sewing basket with an embroidery cloth and threads. I have the basket to this day, and use it to keep my crochet hooks, sewing needles and embroidery scissors.

Christmas should not be all about presents and shopping. It should be about family and friends, relaxing and enjoying the fruits of your hard work during the year. What’s done is done. What’s not, doesn’t matter! 

There is still time to:

• Stock up with snacks, sunblock, cooldrinks and treats

• Fun things to do – you’ll find great, inexpensive ideas at the ‘Crazy Store’

• Make sure you have a first-aid kit with plasters, panado, tee-tree oil, mercurochrome and anti-histamine cream (for insect bites)

• Use up everything in the deep freeze before defrosting and re-stocking

• Clean out your grocery cupboards before you go shopping

• Sort out the children’s clothes and put aside what they’ve outgrown for charities before buying them new clothes to avoid duplicating

• Tidy up your desk: file receipts and throw away incomplete to-do lists. You can start again in the New Year.

Mark your 2017 diary with Birthdays, Anniversaries and special events that you’re aware of. When all is done, put up the Christmas tree, tinsel and lights. Bake biscuits, have a picnic in the park or garden, take the children to the library, Christmas carols and church. Let them smell Christmas, hear Christmas, taste and feel Christmas. Enjoy. After all …… it’s the best time of the year! 

Gearing down

Children are cranky, everybody’s hungry, unfinished homework needs to be supervised and the family needs to unwind. 

Before leaving work:

• Have a ‘closing-down ritual’ during the last half hour

• Only begin jobs that are quick and easy to finish

• Make a ‘to-do’ list for the next day

• Tidy up your work space

Going home:

• When possible start and end work earlier (or later) to avoid rush-hour traffic

• Experiment with different routes

• Listen to music and switch your cell phone to silent

• Explore different modes of transport 

At home: 

• Make a habit of not taking (or making) business calls and switch off your laptop so that you can give your full attention to your family

• Don’t switch on the TV until the family have eaten together. Cuddle little ones in your lap for a bed-time story. Make time to listen to them.

Reference: Professor Mark Cropley (psychologist) ‘The Off Switch’  

Talk about your needs

‘Consistent denial of your needs will lead to a growing loss of self-esteem, frustration and internal tensions. Denying your needs does not make them go away – the resulting build-up of anger, hurt and stress drains your energy. Over time, this build-up of internal tensions makes it even harder for you to behave assertively and may lead to health problems.’ ‘The Influential Woman’ – Lee Bryce.

A new mother often feels guilty about voicing or prioritising her needs. Her idea of being a ‘good mother’ means devoting all her time, energy and resources to her baby. Once-upon-a-time free and independent, she’s tied to her baby 24/7 (especially if she is breastfeeding) while her partner is still free to come and go as he pleases. This is where girlfriends fill the gap, boost morale, douse melt-downs, mop up baby puke, wash dishes and bring you food and solutions when engorged boobs look and feel like watermelons. 

Consistent friends: These are forever-friends – even when distance separates you. Usually a friendship that began when you were at school that survived the storms of adolescence, boyfriends, driving school and career. First friends teach you about trust, relationships, respect and responsibility. These qualities become the cornerstones of a stable marriage. 

Fun friends: Moms especially need a girl’s night out where she can affirm her identity and simply be! Released from the demands of a baby she’s still learning to understand (and not quite getting right) she can think, talk, respond, laugh and behave like an adult. This helps to release pent-up feelings of baby-frustration, anger and even resentment. 

Bestie: Your bestie is the friend you can phone at midnight or midmorning (when your car won’t start) who brings you flowers to cheer-up your day and offers to babysit whenever. Your bestie will tell you that your breasts are leaking or your hair needs washing.  

Honest friends: will tell you things you don’t really want to hear but need to know. Quite frankly, your mother fits this category and once the hurt and seething have subsided, a re-awakening and reconciliation is as refreshing as make-up sex.  

Professional friends: Back at work you have no choice but to get on with your work colleagues. Professional jealousy is hurtful and demotivating. It can make you feel resentful and humiliated. Getting to the root cause is often an eye-opener, and with a better understanding of each other’s circumstances, can become a lasting friendship enhancing rather than disrupting a working day. 

‘People walk all over you either because you invite them to or because you give them no information about your needs’. Lee Bryce.   

The beginnings of a lifelong journey

Who can forget that first butterfly-kiss of life tickling your belly? Sometimes it feels like a bit of wind, but then it happens again and you stop what you’re doing and wait for it to happen again. A woman’s first connection with her unborn child. A gentle reminder that even though her baby is only a diagnosis and prognosis at this stage, he or she is a precious individual developing cell by microscopic cell according to the laws of creation established billions of years ago, handed down from generation to generation as a gift of new life and replicating in some way both mom and dad, grandparents, great-grandparents and countless ancestors, bequeathing to him or her, a spiralling genetic code of genius and intelligence! 

Although mom-to-be only feels life for the first time when she is about five months pregnant (earlier for a second and consecutive pregnancies) an early scan (8 – 9 weeks) will show how the embryo is constantly moving and only briefly ‘sleeping’. At this very early stage, these movements are simply impulses from nerve fibres that control movement, stimulated by sensory impulses connected to the arms and legs – like a puppet on a string. Only a few months later, when these movements are felt for the first time, have they slowed down to become more deliberate and ‘goal orientated’. On the scan baby can be seen putting his hands in his mouth or covering his eye, stretching and yawning, bending and extending his arms and legs as though exercising and ‘warming-up’ for bigger things to come! While baby is getting these little kicks out of life, you’re on the plateau of your pregnancy. Hormones have settled, nausea (for most) is just a bad memory, people tell you that you’re glowing (shiny hair, healthy skin and nails) and you’re getting used to the idea of being a mother. You’re also beginning to wonder who and what your baby is – boy or girl – and who’s family genes s/he will inherit. All this from a little kick in the mysterious abyss of your womb!

That first little kick is just the beginnings of a lifelong journey of deliberate movement. At first your new-born is a bundle of survival ‘puppet-on-a-string’ reflexes, but only a few months later, these movements have become deliberate – sucking to sooth and taste and find out more about this object in his hand that he moves from one to the other, then back to his mouth again. Movement that strengthens muscles supporting bones, joints and cartilages that hold him together. Movement initiated from senses and instructions from the brain – yet constantly protected by the loving arms of a cautious parent, instinctively guiding their young.

Is it surprising then that a woman’s intuition leads her into recognising the significance of her baby’s first movements?