The gift of Motherhood

The gift of motherhood this Mother’s Day

This Sunday, we will be celebrating Mother’s Day in South Africa. As usual, the commercial world has been advertising ‘Mother’s Day’ specials’ for weeks and families are enticed to buy ‘smellies’ and jewelry to ‘show mom how much you love her’.

Well, let’s forget about all that nonsense and think about what Mother’s Day is really all about.

Mother’s Day is a celebration of ‘Motherhood’. Each time I was pregnant, I would think about my growing baby when I was in the bath. I would wonder what was happening in the hidden world of my womb. While my tummy was still flat, I would think: Is a baby really growing inside there?

After a few months, when my tummy began to swell, this confirmed my pregnancy. From six to nine months, my tummy was like rising dough or an inflating balloon. Then it began to look like an island in the ‘sea’ of my bathwater. As my skin stretched and became tight and shiny, my belly button popped out like the plastic indicator in a cooked turkey. In the last few weeks, before my babies were born, I would feel the hard head just above my pubic bone, and see a tiny foot or knee move across my tummy like a little mouse under a blanket.

And then, the crumpled, wrinkly skin after birth when my precious baby lay in my arms.

The gift of motherhood makes a woman strong and protective, creative, resilient, patient, kind, loving and forgiving.

Motherhood gives a woman a purpose. A mother will sacrifice everything she has for her children. The satisfaction of motherhood comes not only from watching children grow and develop, step by step and stage by stage (without reading a book, they know just what to do). The final reward is watching your children do for your grandchildren what you did for them when they were small.

So, Moms, take time this Mother’s Day to reflect, and thank Creation for the gift of Motherhood. It’s not only about gifts and breakfast in bed – it’s about family, love, togetherness, having fun and enjoying the little things in life. 

Tips for Lupus awareness day - 10th May

Wear purple for International Lupus Awareness Day

I had many of the Lupus symptoms, but I took it that exhaustion, headaches, and body aches were all part and parcel of being a busy mom, running a small practice and the responsibilities of parenthood. I also never found the time to get these checked. This was mostly because Lupus comes in flares – you’re feeling absolutely fine one day, awful the next. Recovery takes from a few days to about a week, and when you’re feeling better, what’s the point of going to the doctor?

10^th May is International Lupus Awareness Day. Although Lupus seems to be on the increase, this may be because it’s recognised and diagnosed earlier today with antibody blood tests. Lupus also mimics the symptoms of many other chronic conditions, mostly HIV. The difference is that HIV is a virus that damages the immune system, whereas Lupus, an auto-immune disease, damages its own immune system. This affects connective tissue and because the whole body is made up of connective tissue – even blood is connective tissue – any system in the body can be attacked. The most severe being a direct hit to the heart (when this happens, Lupus is often only diagnosed at a post-mortem), kidneys, liver, lungs, and brain. It’s for this reason that people with Lupus (usually women) need to go for regular blood tests and check-ups.

They also need to:

• Avoid infections, or get these treated ASAP
• Avoid direct sunshine – this can initiate ‘discoid’ Lupus
• Avoid stress
• Eat healthily
• Exercise
• Take up a hobby
• Don’t google – ask your doctor because every case is different.

The doctor who gave me the best advice told me not to focus on my Lupus, but to focus on my passion. When he asked me what my passion was, I told him it was music.

“Focus on your music then,” he told me. “When I see you again, I want to know what you have done with your music.”

And so, I did. I joined the church choir, volunteered to be the organist, and now I play the piano just about every day, simply for my own enjoyment and love of music. Along with regular check-ups, avoiding junk food, fats, and sugar, I enjoy hobbies like knitting and card-making, writing, cooking, and baking – all of which not only keep me busy and motivated, they also help to bring in a bit of extra cash.

If someone you know has Lupus you can:

• Keep them company when they go to the doctor/hospital for check-ups
• Help them out when they have flare-ups (these can keep us bed-bound for at least a day – sometimes longer)
• Keep them motivated (depression and sleeplessness are real): take them to the movies or out for breakfast. Encourage them to take up a hobby, exercise or yoga
• Send SMS messages just to ask how they’re doing.

If you think about it, everybody needs this kind of support. We should all help and encourage one another to live and eat healthy, live each day to its fullest, and to do the best we can with what we’ve got.

Happy Lupus Day to all my friends at the hospital.

Coping wtih the unexpected

Special needs children and adults

We have a ‘special needs’ child in our family. We’re not unique – just about every family I know has a child (or adult) who needs extra care and attention. It’s not something we wish or hope for – in fact, it’s something we fear. And yet, when it happens, life-changing events make us sit-up and realise how lucky we really are.

We recently celebrated Easter and, as usual, enjoyed family gatherings. Our youngest granddaughter, nearly two, has struggled through major setbacks since her premature birth. Today she has two shunts that drain fluid from her brain into her little stomach and she is visually challenged.  Yet, our little granddaughter is thriving and, in many ways, behaving the way a nearly-two-year old should. This is not only thanks to medical intervention, but also thanks to love. The crises of her operations, Intensive Care and recovery did something special for the family – it brought us together and made her mom and dad and two siblings, extra-strong and extra-resilient. 

There was a time in my life when I worked at a home for mentally and physically disabled children and adults. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and sadly, within a short time, I had to move on and away from an institution where, quite literally, helpless people had been abandoned by their families and were left at the mercy of care-takers.

At the time I also interviewed a family who had a little girl who was a ‘micro-cheph’ – in other words, she was born with a very small head and under-developed brain. Her parents were told that she would not live beyond the age of five, she would never walk, talk or see. Today she is a teenager, taller than her mom, able to walk and hold a conversation. I put this down to her loving family who give her constant love and attention.

I do understand that there comes a time when special-needs children and adults need special-care facilities – a home or a school where their needs are catered for, where they can mature and develop special skills and where they can be looked after, yet enjoy some independence. People who work in these places are angels who have answered a calling, and are prepared help these people with love and understanding. Their families are fully supportive and look at the home or the school as an extension of their family where they can be helped.

Too often we get caught-up in a world that’s ‘me, me, me’. Like a silly dog chasing its tail, it gets us nowhere. Special-needs children and adults who are trapped in their own little worlds are so incredibly open to receiving from others. In turn, they give us such joy in return for the smallest interaction – a smile, a hug, something to eat or drink, a blanket to keep them warm.

My granddaughter, with a happy smile on her face and in beautiful blue eyes, has taught me not to shy away from daunting challenges but to face them, fearlessly and head-on. In many ways, she has given to us, more than we could ever imagine.    

Older women and natural birth

Natural Birth and Older Women

The press is already making a splash about Meghan Markle’s decision to have natural birth. The fact that she has ‘breezed through her pregnancy without any complications’ is no guarantee there won’t be any birthing problems. Even if the Duchess of Sussex has a full complement of medical experts (including a helicopter) on standby at Frogmore Cottage, Windsor Castle, she has her age (thirty-seven) against her.

I’m a serious natural birth promoter, but I have seen and spoken to too many women who have been bitterly disappointed when natural birth went wrong. Women younger than 30 are more likely to give birth naturally because their bones are strong, their joints and the cartilage holding these together are subtle, their muscles are resilient and they have the energy to endure hours of labour.  In the same way that it takes months of physical preparation to run a marathon, it takes at least three months of special exercise to prepare birthing muscles for natural birth.

Of course, we also have to think about the little passenger – Meghan’s baby. Her baby-bump hides enormous behind-the-scenes preparations that her body has to do. Baby has to get into a head-first position, and then through a series of ‘false-labour’ (or Braxton-Hicks contractions), these will guide her baby’s head so that the smallest part fits into the widest diameter of her pelvis. When this happens, the press will exclaim: The Duchess has “dropped” – meaning that her baby-bump has changed shape, and while it will be easier for Meghan to breathe, she will feel more pressure on her bladder.

Once a baby’s head has dropped into the pelvis, the little bumps in this bony ‘basin’ help to carefully rotate the head. Contractions that push against baby’s bottom, will flex baby’s head so that his/her chin rests against his/her chest, once again directing the smallest diameter of the head towards the cervix (or mouth of the womb) in preparation for ‘active’ labour to begin.

So many things have to be right for natural birth to happen. Older women risk more chances of little issues becoming big problems. My advice to readers who are hoping to have a natural birth are:

• Have your first baby between the age of 20 and 30
• Look after your bone health and joints by exercising at least 4 times a week for at least 45 minutes
• Go to ante-natal classes that offer special ante-natal exercises from 6 months
• Swim as often as you can

Genetics plays a big role. If your mother and grandmothers were able to give natural birth, there is a good chance that you will be able to too.

   

Helping children cope with divorce

Ping-Pong kids

When couples split and their children are shared, it’s pretty rough on everybody – especially the children. When couples go a step further and start a new family with a different partner, children have some serious adapting to do. While some are more resilient and quickly adapt, others take longer, may struggle, or just not cope at all.

Children and circumstances are different. What applies to one family, doesn’t apply to another. Outsiders don’t really understand what’s going on in a family because we all cope differently. Every family is unique, and it’s not for the world to know our problems.

I am in no position to tell couples what they should or shouldn’t do, but I do know that all couples are looking for help and advice somewhere along the way. This can be through their church, counsellors, therapists, social workers or support groups. Couples can listen to advice, but it’s up to them to put it into practice. Sometimes it makes sense and helps, other times it doesn’t.

In my opinion, it helps to understand children’s needs. They don’t need material things to make up for your feeling guilty, or to make you look like the good / trendy / generous or ‘lekker’ parent. Vance Packard, one of my favourite authors, writes in his book “Our Endangered Children – growing up in a changing world” (which I highly recommend reading) what children need.

• They need to feel wanted and accepted
• A continuity in relationships with their biological or psychological parents
• A sense that there is a regular, dependable quality to the world in which they live
• Thoughtful guidance in coping with the demands of growing up.

Packard encourages parents to give their children a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem by:

• Instilling a sense of trust with loving attention
• Being a good, active listener
• Always treating your child with respect
• Encouraging your child’s attempts to take the initiative to move towards independence, to be self-directing and setting reasonable goals.

If you give some attention to your child’s needs, you will do the right thing, and feel better about yourself as a parent – no matter the circumstances. Take one day – or one week-end – at a time, and put your child’s needs first. In this way, you’ll all get along a whole lot better!  

Photograph with thanks from free Pexels download