Mothers coping with their sons

Little do we realise that mothers model her son’s future wife. Her behaviour and the way she is treated by her husband teaches her son how to treat women. It’s up to mothers to teach their sons how to respect a woman’s sexuality and we as mothers need to be vigilant about warning our sons of the dangers of porn and violence. Dad’s do this in a half-hearted way because they’re also thinking ‘TG he’s normal’. 

Ideally boys should be nurtured by two parents – a father and a mother who, being opposites that were attracted to one another in the first place, provide a balanced upbringing. Boys need a man in their lives to mentor them, and they also need a mother to nurture them. Single, divorced and part-time parents (both working full day) has become the norm in our materialistic, expensive way of life, and teenagers are bearing the brunt of this weak link. Artificial intelligence, social media, the internet and celebrities-behaving-badly is resonating negatively on our young people, provoking violence and encouraging them to smoke, drink and become sexually active long before their time. 

It sounds like a formidable task, but here’s the thing: on the whole, teenage boys are pretty uncomplicated. Give them a phone, food, friends and a fridge, and they’re happy! Brush up on your cooking and your boy will always come home when he is hungry. An added bonus is that he will bring his friends – then at least then you will know where they are and what they are up to! 

Don’ts:

•  Don’t embarrass your son in front of his friends.

•  Never kiss or hug him in public.

•  Don’t cheer for him at a match or a game.

•  Don’t remind him how bad his skin is looking or remark about the tufts of hair on his chin.

•  Don’t choose his clothes for him. The only reason why he is tolerating you at the mall is because you have the credit card in your purse!

Do’s:

•  Tell him about girls and their periods.

•  Tell him how easy it is to make a girl pregnant or to pick up a STI (many of these for life).

•  Re-direct him away from becoming a sloth – teenage boys are notoriously untidy, sloppy and flexible – they readily drape themselves over whatever, wherever and whenever!

•  Hint at washing and making himself look good.

•  Keep the lines of communication open – grunts, ‘aweh’, ‘sup’ and ‘nah’ are legit answers to questions.

The plus side of teenage boys:

•  They’re blunt and tell you as it is – a rude awakening, but there’s truth in what they’re telling you.

•  They’re fun and see the funny side of life. Laugh with them – it’s a wonderful release valve.

• They’re really good with other people – these people will tell you what a wonderful son you have, so accommodating, so polite, so helpful!

•  Contact sport helps to get rid of pent-up frustrations. Get them onto the field as often as possible.

•  When you least expect, your son will openly shower you with affection (okay, there’s usually a modus-operandi for this unusual type of behaviour), but it’s flattering never-the-less. 

Above all, make time for your son – especially when he asks you a question or his behaviour rattles your instincts. Stop what you’re doing, look him in the eye and say: ‘Okay, let’s talk’.

* Just One Teenager – an NGO (not-for-profit organization) doctor/nurse team educating teens about growing up and preventing STI’s, HIV and teen pregnancy. 

What determines the sex of your baby?

It all depends on the cervix – the ‘mouth’ at the bottom of the womb that tips into the top of the vagina. This ‘doorway’ guards the womb, mostly preventing unwanted bacteria and other infection-causing nasties from getting in. The cervix is like a valve that closes tightly to do this. In addition, the highly specialised cells lining the cervix create a special mucous ‘plug’ that stop bacteria (and even sperm) from getting into the womb. 

Sperm are barred from the womb for most of a woman’s cycle, because, being a foreign protein, constant exposure can lead to sperm allergy. This can interfere with conception. Sperm allergy may very occasionally happen in women who use the contraceptive device. The string through the cervix may interfere with the cervical plug allowing sperm use the string as a ‘rope-ladder’ to reach the womb. 

When the woman’s body is preparing to ovulate, which is about mid-cycle, the cervix softens and opens very slightly. The chemistry of progesterone, the hormone that assists with and maintains conception, moistens and loosens the cervical plug, so that it can come away. This now slippery mucous lubricates the vagina and changes the once ‘hostile-to-sperm’ environment into a ‘sperm-friendly-zone’. This ‘fertility-mucous’ also mimics semen, nourishing and protecting sperm and keeping millions of them alive in the comfort-zone of the cervix for as many as five days.

How does this make your baby a boy or a girl?

If you have sex before you ovulate, there is no egg waiting in the fallopian tube. Y-sperm or boy-sperm that are lighter and swim faster than X or girl-sperm, race ahead. When they reach the fallopian tube, there is no egg waiting for them, so they simply disintegrate. The girl sperm in the meantime, use this opportunity to ‘holiday’ in the cervix. Over the next few days, the millions of sperm gradually make their way towards the fallopian tube. Depending on whether an X or Y sperm fertilise the egg, the baby will be a girl or a boy. When fertilisation happens later, the baby is usually a girl. When the egg is fertilised on the day of ovulation, the baby is usually a boy. 

Irrespective of whether your unborn baby is a boy or a girl, he or she is a unique and individual human being who will be loved for who they are, and will become, over a lifetime.    

Tweens...too young to be adults, too old to be kids.

Any parent with teenagers will agree with evangel lawmaker Steve Largent when he said that raising teenagers was more stressful than serving in congress! Anthropologist Margaret Mead once wrote that parenting teenagers is something that most parents dread and look back on with the relief of survivors. She describes adolescence as ‘the period in which idealism followed and rebellion against authority waxed strong; a period during which difficulties and conflicts were absolutely inevitable’. 

Parenting teenagers has always been difficult (okay, there are a very few exceptions to this rule – but sometimes when teenagers don’t get over their rebelliousness, they can become disillusioned adults). Don’t even think about comparing your youth with your teenager’s life today. You grew up in a very different era: today social media rules, peer pressure is power, teenagers are technologically expedient and they speak another language.  

Talking to a teenager is just about impossible. The speak-to-my-hand generation would prefer it if you simply sent a text – even if they are in the same room. Your well-rehearsed conversation can end explosively and leave you seething and feeling hurt and rejected. Your teenager on the other hand may feel misunderstood. This is because teenagers are torn between the responsibilities of adulthood and the colourful fantasy world of childhood they’ve had to leave behind. Too young to be adult, they’re too old to be kids.  

Are parents today overprotective or are they too busy with their own lives to be involved with their teenagers to find out what’s going? Babies grow up in crèches, children do their homework at aftercare and teenagers come home to an empty house, eat a microwave meal and watch TV in their bedrooms. Responsible for themselves, teenagers want to do grown-up stuff like smoke, drink and have sex. Many have week-end and after-hours jobs, they’re responsible for helping around the house and bringing up siblings. Their days may be as long and weary as yours.

Here are some tips from Laurence Steinberg’s book: ‘The 10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting’.  

1. What you do matters:

Studies have shown that good parenting continues to help teenagers stay out of trouble. 

2. You can’t be too loving:

Teens need to be hugged and praised.

3. Stay involved:

It’s even more important now to know what’s going on at school, who your teenager’s friends are and spend time together.

4. Adapt your parenting:

As children grow older, their ability to reason improves. They will challenge you if what you’re asking doesn’t make sense. 

5. Set limits:

Without them life is chaotic and uncertain.

6. Foster independence:

Give your teen space to be self-reliant – don’t micromanage them. 

7. Explain your decisions:

You can’t say ‘because I said so’ anymore!

Christmas prepping

December always reminds me of my childhood when Ouma (my grandmother) was healthy and strong and bossed us all around getting ready for Christmas. Windows were cleaned, curtains washed, cupboards emptied and tidied. The pantry was stocked with dried fruit, bottled konfyt (jam) and chutney. The old lady believed in work, work, work. Swimming, playing and reading for fun was out. 

Dried fruit for the Christmas cake had to be sorted, stalks and stones removed, washed and carefully dried. Peaches, apricots and figs from the garden were peeled and cooked, minced or dried. I remember the coal stove in the kitchen that kept the water hot, and baked the perfect bread. One Christmas Ouma gave me a little blue and white sewing basket with an embroidery cloth and threads. I have the basket to this day, and use it to keep my crochet hooks, sewing needles and embroidery scissors.

Christmas should not be all about presents and shopping. It should be about family and friends, relaxing and enjoying the fruits of your hard work during the year. What’s done is done. What’s not, doesn’t matter! 

There is still time to:

• Stock up with snacks, sunblock, cooldrinks and treats

• Fun things to do – you’ll find great, inexpensive ideas at the ‘Crazy Store’

• Make sure you have a first-aid kit with plasters, panado, tee-tree oil, mercurochrome and anti-histamine cream (for insect bites)

• Use up everything in the deep freeze before defrosting and re-stocking

• Clean out your grocery cupboards before you go shopping

• Sort out the children’s clothes and put aside what they’ve outgrown for charities before buying them new clothes to avoid duplicating

• Tidy up your desk: file receipts and throw away incomplete to-do lists. You can start again in the New Year.

Mark your 2017 diary with Birthdays, Anniversaries and special events that you’re aware of. When all is done, put up the Christmas tree, tinsel and lights. Bake biscuits, have a picnic in the park or garden, take the children to the library, Christmas carols and church. Let them smell Christmas, hear Christmas, taste and feel Christmas. Enjoy. After all …… it’s the best time of the year! 

Gearing down

Children are cranky, everybody’s hungry, unfinished homework needs to be supervised and the family needs to unwind. 

Before leaving work:

• Have a ‘closing-down ritual’ during the last half hour

• Only begin jobs that are quick and easy to finish

• Make a ‘to-do’ list for the next day

• Tidy up your work space

Going home:

• When possible start and end work earlier (or later) to avoid rush-hour traffic

• Experiment with different routes

• Listen to music and switch your cell phone to silent

• Explore different modes of transport 

At home: 

• Make a habit of not taking (or making) business calls and switch off your laptop so that you can give your full attention to your family

• Don’t switch on the TV until the family have eaten together. Cuddle little ones in your lap for a bed-time story. Make time to listen to them.

Reference: Professor Mark Cropley (psychologist) ‘The Off Switch’