Why does my toddler need a comforter?

I want my blankie!

All hell breaks lose when your toddler loses his blankie / dummy / huggee-bunny. Parents often feel humiliated when their child needs a comforter in public – especially when strangers give you ‘the look’. They worry that it’s a sign of bad parenting, insecurity or emotional baggage.

RELAX if your child sucks his thumb, fingers or dummy or clings to a tattered blanket writes Dr Christopher Green in his book Toddler Taming. It doesn’t mean that s/he will be emotionally scarred for life or is struggling with insecurity. “Little children do it for only one reason: they enjoy it!” he writes. Sucking becomes more intense when the child is tired, bored, frustrated or feeling insecure. Sucking helps them to fall asleep. Although most toddlers have abandoned these habits by the time they’re three, according to Dr Christopher “up to two percent still have this habit in their early teens.” (I was from that two percent)

We know from scans that babies start sucking when they’re in the womb. After birth, sucking is their survival. Babies also comfort-suck their fingers, fist or tongue. New parents have to learn not to pick babies up for a feed, believing this to be a sign that they’re hungry.

Of course, we introduce the comforter in the first place. The dummy, the soft toy with a silk ribbon or the baby blanket. Besides having a comforter, babies like to have a routine; where and when they sleep, how they’re put down to sleep, the ebb and flow of house-hold noise, the smell of their blankets. This helps them to feel secure. Its also a way they learn trust. Children who feel secure, want to explore and be independent when they’re toddlers. In their own time and pace, children are able to ‘let go’ the need for the physical security from a favourite comforter.

Every child is an individual. As a couple, you’re opposites. While one partner may be more adventurous and outgoing, the other may be shy, reserved and hesitant when it comes to trying something new.  Today we know that by ruthlessly taking away a ‘little people’s’ personal source of comfort, children can regress or take longer to recover and progress. They are, after all, little people for only a few short years.

Why do children cling to their ‘comforters’?

• It helps them to cope with the interruptions of daily life.
• It helps them cope with disappointments, or when they’re reprimanded, feeling hurt or rejected.
• Comforters are a big help when there are family upheavals: moving house, starting play-school, going on holiday, a new sibling or grandparent’s moving in with the family.
• When they’re ill.
• When they’re frightened e.g. thunder storm, a barking dog, or uncomfortable e.g. too hot or too cold.

Top tips:

• Don’t tease or make fun of your child or deliberately take the comforter away.
• Easy as it is to lose your cool when the comforter is lost – resist the urge to smack or shout.
• Keep him distracted when he has forgotten about his comforter (especially after a few days).
• Keep a spare ‘comforter’ for emergencies.
• Dummies are better than bottles (especially after a year). NEVER give your child juice in a bottle at night.
• Much to the embarrassment of parents, genital stimulation is also a comforter. This is NORMAL. Simply distract.
• Children soon ‘grow-up’ and adapt to the social rules of their peers. This exclude the need for comforters!  

Coping with problems after baby is born

When can I hold my baby?

After hours of agonising labour, all that you want, is to hold your baby. Sometimes, this doesn’t happen. Sometimes it can be hours, days, weeks or even months before parents can cuddle their new baby. Wretched is the only word I can think of when this happens. There are so many questions: why, what if, and if only. It helps when family is supportive and doctors and nurses are friendly and understanding.

Let’s try and understand why complications happen, and what you can do to cope during this stressful time.

Obstetrics (babies and birth) is unpredictable. I learned this early in my midwifery training. Many a trouble-free pregnancy became nightmare births yet some complicated pregnancies were quick and easy deliveries. Ante-natal care has made childbirth safer. Problems are picked up early so that complications can be avoided, corrected or minimised. But sometimes, Mother Nature has a way of sneaking up on us, and catches us off guard.  

As soon as your baby is born, your doctor will assess how well your baby is coping. This quick assessment is called the APGAR and is a score out of 10 points: two points each for colour, cry, reflex, breathing and heart rate. Babies who score 8 - 10 are doing well. A score of less than 8 (but improving) may need some help. A low and deteriorating score calls for intervention or even resuscitation.

If you’ve had a few problems during your pregnancy, it’s very likely that there may be a few glitches at the birth (that was most likely a planned c-section) and these will, in one way or another, affect your baby. Most couples don’t pay much attention to Neonatal High Care when they have their ‘hospital tour’ – I know I didn’t when my youngest was prem – so it comes as a bit of a shock when your precious baby is admitted to the unit with monitors, beepers, incubators and machines. It’s really scary.

Your arms are empty when you’re separated from your baby. Besides an aching heart, your body is aching from surgery or the birth. Nurses and midwives are bustling busy and other mothers, in dressing gowns and slippers, are looking after their babies. It’s a double-whammy when you’re together in the same ward.

When you’ve been seen by the doctor and drips and catheters have been taken out, and it’s all good with the doctor, ask a nurse to take you in the wheelchair to see your baby. Take what you will need with you because you could be there for an hour or more – depending on how well you’re coping.

Give yourself time to take it all in when you get to the ICU. Don’t be surprised if you just want to run away or burst into tears. It’s a normal reaction. It’s hard on dad’s too (and they’re not allowed to cry).

Always wash your hands with the sanitiser at the door and you may be asked to wear a gown over yours. Unnecessary noise is kept to a minimum so as not to startle the babies. Lights are often dimmed and some units play quiet, soothing classical music.

The nursing sisters are specially trained to work in these units, and can answer all your questions. Remember that while this is a once-in-a-lifetime-experience for you, it’s their everyday work. There are no stupid questions and it’s better to ask the sister looking after your baby than googling the answer.

Unfortunately, only parents are allowed to visit these units. With special permission, Grandparents may be granted one visit only. It’s important that you prep them what to do, and remind them not to ask too many questions – or to be inquisitive about other babies in the unit.

Learn how to express your breast milk – it’s an important connection with your baby. Ask about kangaroo-Mothercare and when it will be possible to hold your baby skin-to-skin. Don’t be afraid to hold your new-born – the sister will be there to guide you every step of the way. Please don’t try and do anything on your own or without the sister’s permission or guidance.

Moms worry about other children at home. This is when family and friends can help – they can offer to look after siblings, bring meals and help with chores like the washing and cleaning.

Teeny-tiny preemies can be in hospital for months. It can become a tedious routine for parents and is a very stressful time, especially when there are setbacks and complications. Fortunately, medical science has advanced, and miracles do happen. I believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking. Emotional support from family and friends cannot be measured.

The day will come when you can bring your baby home. Sometimes this even comes as a shock to parents because they have closed their minds to this possibility. Then it’s a dizzying rush to have everything ready and some parents worry if they can cope.

Make it a special day for sibling and YOUR family only. I had a little welcome ‘party’ for the children with a chocolate cake and candles when their baby brother came home. Sorry, but friends, family and grandparents aren’t invited to this little party. The family needs time to adapt and settle in with their baby, and to feel comfortable with a new routine. They need to bond with their baby brother/sister who until now, has only been a rumour.

Work and the worries don’t stop there – but the family is over their first hurdle. Preemies are a lot of work when they come home. More about this in next month’s blog. 

Money-saving tips for 2019

Get out of debt in 2019

Don’t you just love new beginnings? Putting the past behind. Starting new and fresh. With Christmas and 2018 tucked away, we have new beginnings ahead of us in 2019.

Do you remember starting the new school year? New books, clean stationary, different teachers? As mom, it’s a good idea to make year plans, write lists and stick with commitments.

I don’t know about you, but money these days is tight – especially when you have a growing family. There never seems to be enough! Money issues have been the tipping point of many marriages. Budgeting is not only difficult, it’s often just impossible. As Richard Quest on ‘Quest Express’ and ‘Quest means businesses’ reminds us: every penny counts – even the one you find lying on the pavement.

To start the year on a good note, here are some money-wise tips and quotes:

Shop wisely:

• Don’t cut quality, cut quantity. Who need 40 pairs of shoes?
• Buy less expensive – you don’t need designer handbags or expensive clothes to make an impression
• Pay cash. It’s so easy to overspend when you use your credit card.
• Ask yourself: ‘Do I need this or do I want it?’
• Make a shopping list and stick to it.
• Add-up while you’re filling up your trolley.
• Supermarkets highlight ‘specials’ and surplice stock in-store along with magazines, sweets, cooldrinks and other gimmicks at till queues. This encourages impulse shopping and spending that extra cash you’ve saved in the store. 
• Be wary of buying ‘specials’ you don’t need.
• Don’t shop when you have your children with you.

  Personal financial expert, Suze Orman, says: “Look everywhere you can to cut a little bit from your expenses. It will all add up to a meaningful sum.”

 Invest:

• Have a life policy. When my father died, my mother was left with four small children to bring up on her own. Dad’s life policy pay-out helped mom to buy a second house that she could rent out, and this brought in extra cash every month.
• Remember that you will have a future when your children leave the nest one day.

 Playwright Tennessee Williams once said: “You can be young without money, but you can’t be old without it.”

Budget. Budget. Budget:

• Draw up an excel sheet. Every business does. Think of your household as your own little business.
• Budgeting will stop you buying things you don’t need or buying to impress.
• Pay your most important expenses first.
• Be thrifty, not stingy.

My Ouma always used to say: ‘Waste not, want not’. Teach your children not to waste. Toothpaste. Toilet paper. Water and electricity.

Do things for yourself:

• Unless it pays you, why pay somebody else when you can do the job yourself?
• Why buy when you can make?
• Be organised. How many times have you spent more on a present than you budgeted for because you bought it at the last minute and it was the only thing you could find?
• There’s a certain satisfaction in doing your own housework, gardening and washing your car.

I learned this at school: ‘Penny wise, pound foolish’.

New Year Sales:

• Only buy what you know you are going to need or use.
• They’re great to stock up on for presents during the year.
• They’re perfect when you have small children – you can always buy a size bigger for next season.

My late mother-in-law used to say: “Look after the pennies, and the pounds will look after themselves”.

Plan 2019:

Anticipate expenses before they overwhelm you. Save where you can: Switch off lights, use petrol sparingly, start a lift-club, shop weekly not daily, grow your own vegetables. Cut out unnecessary luxuries, cigarettes, alcohol, take-aways. Money-saving, environmentally-conscious moms are changing to washable nappies and even sanitary pads. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Make 2019 debt-free so that 2020 can be your profitable year. It’s the best gift to yourself and your family.

All I want for Christmas ...

Keeping kids busy this Christmas

The malls may be bursting with happy Christmas um-pa-pa, but when your feet ache and your head hurts and the kids are driving you crazy, it puts a damper on festivities. Holidays are so much fun – for everybody it seems ….. but Mom.  

With a bit of planning, it doesn’t have to be this way. Use your resources, keep the kids busy, give them chores to do, minimise fuss, kick off your shoes and say to hell with routine for a while.

Resource other moms in your neighbourhood or complex – offer to ‘entertain’ their kids one morning or afternoon, and let them return the favour. This will give you the chance to do shopping or Christmas preparations on your own.

Keeping the kids busy:

Make Christmas decorations. Don’t have any ideas? Get a book from your local library or google.

Bake. Box cookies are so easy.

Make Christmas wrapping paper with brown paper, potato stamps and poster paint.

Bring out the board games.

Make puppets from odd socks and sew on buttons for eyes.

Clean unbroken toys that your kids don’t play with anymore and give them to a charity or children’s home.

Get the kids to make Christmas cards and cookies for grandparents or old folk in your neighbourhood.

Suitable toys for Christmas:

Babies to age 2. Tiny tots are more interested in the wrapping and the box than the present! Toys of all shapes and sizes should stimulate the senses: they must look bright, feel soft, smell good and make a noise.

Age 2 – 3: Toddlers are learning to think and figure things out for themselves. Simple shapes that fit into one another, boxes that open and shut, objects that bob up and down.

Age 3 – 4: This age-group are steady on their feet and have oodles of energy. They enjoy physical games like running and jumping, pushing, pulling, scribbling, building, opening and closing. Games like skittles and ball games, riding plastic ‘motor-bikes’, pushing a pram, playing in a sand-pit or with water is just up their street. Fine motor skills can be stimulated with simple wooden puzzles, paper and wax crayon and finger paint.

Age 4 – 5: Toy shops are heaven for this age group. From fantasy dressing-up clothes to leggo, dolls of every colour and description, cars, trucks and aeroplanes, games and collectables. It’s best to let your child choose their own toy, but give them a budget. It will teach them to choose something they (you) can ‘afford’.  

Age 6 – 8: This is when children’s true talents begin to show – the academic boff, sporting girls and boys, the readers or artists, the dancers and musicians. Their brains are literally adult size (but far from mature) and connections are buzzing like the lights on a Christmas tree. This is when children learn with amazing speed and accuracy. What you buy your child this Christmas could well put him or her on a path for their future. Not only an i-pad, a tablet or laptop, it could be a camera, a quality key-board, a guitar or set of drums, a magician set or a pet.   

Tips for toys this Christmas:

Don’t buy cheap

Remember the toy is for your child – not you. Let your child choose.

Play should come from the child – not the toy.

After the excitement of opening presents is over, let your child play with one toy at a time. Discreetly hide a few and bring these out when your child is bored and has forgotten about them – on rainy days or when your child is sick.  

What to do if your child gets burned

Let’s talk about burns

It’s Christmas time – when families are celebrating either in the sunshine (here in the south) or in front of cosy log fires in northern hemisphere countries. The last thing on our minds is the risk of fires, boiling liquids, chemical burns or sunburn. The reality is that accidents happen very quickly, and little children and babies are most at risk.

E.R. staff will tell you that this is their busiest time of the year. Anxious adults bring children and toddlers with burns of every description – mostly from boiling water or oil pulled from the stove by curious toddlers. Severe sunburn and burns from open fires are also common.

Here are some safety tips on how to avoid this situation:

• When filling a bath, always run the cold water first, then add the hot water while you’re in the bathroom.
• Don’t leave little children alone in the bathroom or kitchen – especially when you are cooking, deep-frying or boiling something on the stove. They can ‘help’ you by doing other things – like wash the potatoes.
• When cooking always turn the pot handles inwards and preferably cook on the back plates.
• Don’t carry hot liquids and food around.
• Keep little children away from fireplaces, braais and heaters and other electrical appliances e.g. your hair-straightening iron.
• Keep stools and high chairs away from the stove.
• Cover all plugs and electrical outlets.
• Unplug appliances when you’re not using them and tuck cords away.
• Make sure the kettle and iron cords are short and don’t hang over the edge of the counter or table top.
• Don’t leave matches and lighters lying around.
• With threats of power-outages in South African over Christmas an almost certain reality, take care when burning candles. These should be secured in proper holders or tall bottles and kept out of the reach of little children.

What should you do if your child gets burned?

Keep calm. Don’t shout (even though you told your child to come away from the fire at least half a dozen times!).  

Burning continues even when the source has been removed, so it’s important to hold the burn under running water while filling the basin or bath to immerse the burn into cold water for about 10 to 20 minutes. Don’t use ice – this will cut off the blood supply and make the burn worse. Take off the child’s clothes around the burn before it sticks or starts to swell. If clothes are already sticking to the skin, soak them off or cut off around the burn.

Once you have cooled the burn, cover the affected area with any clean cloth that’s been soaked in water – or use a sterile burn-shield from a first-aid kit if you have one. Don’t put butter, flour or any other cream onto the wound before the paramedics arrive or before you go to the hospital. You can give your child a sip of plain water, but otherwise nothing to eat or drink until you have seen a doctor.

Keep your child warm and calm. Watch out for signs of shock; pale skin, rapid pulse, shallow breathing, restlessness and loss of consciousness. Tell the doctor about these.

What will happen at the hospital?

Your child will be given something for pain. For minor burns, this will be given orally, but for more serious burns (more than 10% of the child’s body-mass) this will be with a drip (the drip will also help to compensate for the loss of body fluids).

Children with severe burns will be admitted, and their burns examined and cleaned under an anaesthetic to minimise trauma and pain for the child.

Preventing infections is very important for burn patients because infections interfere with and delay healing. It also increases the risk of scarring. Dressing the wound will depend on where the burn is, the size and cause of the burn. These factors will also determine how long the child will stay in hospital, and whether or not artificial skin (called Biobrane which is a biosynthetic wound dressing with silicone film and nylon fabric), skin-grafts and physiotherapy will be necessary.  

To conclude: As always, moms and dads out there ……… Prevention is better than cure. Be careful this holiday season (as I know you are) with your precious little ones around!