Coping wtih the unexpected

Special needs children and adults

We have a ‘special needs’ child in our family. We’re not unique – just about every family I know has a child (or adult) who needs extra care and attention. It’s not something we wish or hope for – in fact, it’s something we fear. And yet, when it happens, life-changing events make us sit-up and realise how lucky we really are.

We recently celebrated Easter and, as usual, enjoyed family gatherings. Our youngest granddaughter, nearly two, has struggled through major setbacks since her premature birth. Today she has two shunts that drain fluid from her brain into her little stomach and she is visually challenged.  Yet, our little granddaughter is thriving and, in many ways, behaving the way a nearly-two-year old should. This is not only thanks to medical intervention, but also thanks to love. The crises of her operations, Intensive Care and recovery did something special for the family – it brought us together and made her mom and dad and two siblings, extra-strong and extra-resilient. 

There was a time in my life when I worked at a home for mentally and physically disabled children and adults. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and sadly, within a short time, I had to move on and away from an institution where, quite literally, helpless people had been abandoned by their families and were left at the mercy of care-takers.

At the time I also interviewed a family who had a little girl who was a ‘micro-cheph’ – in other words, she was born with a very small head and under-developed brain. Her parents were told that she would not live beyond the age of five, she would never walk, talk or see. Today she is a teenager, taller than her mom, able to walk and hold a conversation. I put this down to her loving family who give her constant love and attention.

I do understand that there comes a time when special-needs children and adults need special-care facilities – a home or a school where their needs are catered for, where they can mature and develop special skills and where they can be looked after, yet enjoy some independence. People who work in these places are angels who have answered a calling, and are prepared help these people with love and understanding. Their families are fully supportive and look at the home or the school as an extension of their family where they can be helped.

Too often we get caught-up in a world that’s ‘me, me, me’. Like a silly dog chasing its tail, it gets us nowhere. Special-needs children and adults who are trapped in their own little worlds are so incredibly open to receiving from others. In turn, they give us such joy in return for the smallest interaction – a smile, a hug, something to eat or drink, a blanket to keep them warm.

My granddaughter, with a happy smile on her face and in beautiful blue eyes, has taught me not to shy away from daunting challenges but to face them, fearlessly and head-on. In many ways, she has given to us, more than we could ever imagine.    

Older women and natural birth

Natural Birth and Older Women

The press is already making a splash about Meghan Markle’s decision to have natural birth. The fact that she has ‘breezed through her pregnancy without any complications’ is no guarantee there won’t be any birthing problems. Even if the Duchess of Sussex has a full complement of medical experts (including a helicopter) on standby at Frogmore Cottage, Windsor Castle, she has her age (thirty-seven) against her.

I’m a serious natural birth promoter, but I have seen and spoken to too many women who have been bitterly disappointed when natural birth went wrong. Women younger than 30 are more likely to give birth naturally because their bones are strong, their joints and the cartilage holding these together are subtle, their muscles are resilient and they have the energy to endure hours of labour.  In the same way that it takes months of physical preparation to run a marathon, it takes at least three months of special exercise to prepare birthing muscles for natural birth.

Of course, we also have to think about the little passenger – Meghan’s baby. Her baby-bump hides enormous behind-the-scenes preparations that her body has to do. Baby has to get into a head-first position, and then through a series of ‘false-labour’ (or Braxton-Hicks contractions), these will guide her baby’s head so that the smallest part fits into the widest diameter of her pelvis. When this happens, the press will exclaim: The Duchess has “dropped” – meaning that her baby-bump has changed shape, and while it will be easier for Meghan to breathe, she will feel more pressure on her bladder.

Once a baby’s head has dropped into the pelvis, the little bumps in this bony ‘basin’ help to carefully rotate the head. Contractions that push against baby’s bottom, will flex baby’s head so that his/her chin rests against his/her chest, once again directing the smallest diameter of the head towards the cervix (or mouth of the womb) in preparation for ‘active’ labour to begin.

So many things have to be right for natural birth to happen. Older women risk more chances of little issues becoming big problems. My advice to readers who are hoping to have a natural birth are:

• Have your first baby between the age of 20 and 30
• Look after your bone health and joints by exercising at least 4 times a week for at least 45 minutes
• Go to ante-natal classes that offer special ante-natal exercises from 6 months
• Swim as often as you can

Genetics plays a big role. If your mother and grandmothers were able to give natural birth, there is a good chance that you will be able to too.

   

Helping children cope with divorce

Ping-Pong kids

When couples split and their children are shared, it’s pretty rough on everybody – especially the children. When couples go a step further and start a new family with a different partner, children have some serious adapting to do. While some are more resilient and quickly adapt, others take longer, may struggle, or just not cope at all.

Children and circumstances are different. What applies to one family, doesn’t apply to another. Outsiders don’t really understand what’s going on in a family because we all cope differently. Every family is unique, and it’s not for the world to know our problems.

I am in no position to tell couples what they should or shouldn’t do, but I do know that all couples are looking for help and advice somewhere along the way. This can be through their church, counsellors, therapists, social workers or support groups. Couples can listen to advice, but it’s up to them to put it into practice. Sometimes it makes sense and helps, other times it doesn’t.

In my opinion, it helps to understand children’s needs. They don’t need material things to make up for your feeling guilty, or to make you look like the good / trendy / generous or ‘lekker’ parent. Vance Packard, one of my favourite authors, writes in his book “Our Endangered Children – growing up in a changing world” (which I highly recommend reading) what children need.

• They need to feel wanted and accepted
• A continuity in relationships with their biological or psychological parents
• A sense that there is a regular, dependable quality to the world in which they live
• Thoughtful guidance in coping with the demands of growing up.

Packard encourages parents to give their children a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem by:

• Instilling a sense of trust with loving attention
• Being a good, active listener
• Always treating your child with respect
• Encouraging your child’s attempts to take the initiative to move towards independence, to be self-directing and setting reasonable goals.

If you give some attention to your child’s needs, you will do the right thing, and feel better about yourself as a parent – no matter the circumstances. Take one day – or one week-end – at a time, and put your child’s needs first. In this way, you’ll all get along a whole lot better!  

Photograph with thanks from free Pexels download

Tips for dads - what to do with their kids over week-ends

Week-end Dads

Whether its up to you to give your wife a break from the kids over week-ends or you’re a single dad, here are some tips on how to make these a win-win for everybody (spouse, kids, in-laws – even you!)

Do’s:

Have a routine. Kids love routine. It makes them safe, secure and comfortable.

Food is a biggie. Don’t indulge them with rubbish take-away’s and sweets (you’ll pay for this later), but make a point of having their favourite e.g. mac- ‘n-cheese in the fridge. Little children especially, never tire of their favourite – even if it’s only marmite-toast or fish-fingers.

Take them to simple places they would not have the chance to go to during the week (age depending of course). The library or park, kids cooking classes, the nursery or local nature reserve. Take them swimming, fishing or hiking. Teach them about nature and the world around them. They may not thank you now but, believe you me, they’ll thank you in your eulogy one day.

Occasionally let them bring a friend (especially if they’re an only-child)

About once a month, plan something special; a movie, waffles and ice-cream, 10-pin-bowling or putt-putt. Take them to community events like exhibitions, games or a morning-market.

Don’ts:

Don’t overwhelm kids with too many exciting happenings in one day. They will only get tired and grouchy.

Don’t promise them the sun, the moon and the stars – then disappoint them. You will lose their trust.

Don’t put your week-end life on hold. This will only make you resentful.

Don’t do things with them that you know will annoy your spouse or X – like take them to your parents and talk nasty about her or let them do things they aren’t allowed to do at home – like jump on the furniture, go to bed when it suits them or watch X-rated movies.

Don’t ignore basic hygiene (like getting away without bathing or brushing their teeth) or ignore special diets e.g. allergies. Don’t let them get wet in the rain ‘to toughed them up’. Come Monday and their mom is going to have to cope with sick kids.

Remember:

Call, message, what’s app your children during the week. Don’t only be a week-end Dad.

Diarise concerts, sporting or dancing events and eisteddfods – and don’t forget special events like Birthdays and family celebrations.

You can’t say ‘I love you’ if you’re never there for them.

Trust your health-care provider

Trust your health-care provider: don’t take birthing options into your own hands

Googling your questions about pregnancy and babies is seriously risky. A recent tragic outcome for Sara, who was an ardent ‘Ten-Month-Mamma’ (home-birthers who don’t believe in inductions for overdue babies) who chose to ignore the advice of her midwife, resulting in the death of her baby, has left the group feeling flustered and guilty. They have  since closed.

A pregnancy is 40 weeks. Nine calendar or 10 lunar months – but remember, a lunar month is shorter than a calendar month. It follows the phases of the moon.

The trend for higher c-section rates has swung the birthing pendulum to women mistrusting doctors, demanding natural birth and doing things their way.

This is not good.

I am proud to call myself a midwife. It’s the happy side of nursing. Thanks to good ante-natal care, early detection and intervention of problems, prompt action, experienced doctors and midwives, having babies today is much safer than it used to be. But that does not mean that pregnancy and childbirth is without risks. There will always be a multitude of ‘what if’s’ that can become problematic. I strongly advise women not to take matters into their own hands. By all means, get a second or third opinion if you don’t agree with your health-care provider, but you are not qualified to make medical decisions. Even they can be flummoxed because childbirth is, and always will be, unpredictable.

My own birthing experiences is a good example. My first two babies were born naturally, without epidurals and problem free. I expected my third birth to go the same way, but when I got to the hospital in established labour (regular contractions five minutes apart) my baby was a ‘brow’ presentation. My gynaecologist said that there was a possibility that her head would ‘flex’ into the correct position and I could have natural birth – or extend and get stuck. What happened? Her little head ‘extended’ to become a ‘posterior face presentation’ and I was whipped to the operating theatre for an emergency c-section. Had I insisted on natural birth, there would have been serious and irreversible complications.

Listen to your instincts, but trust your midwife/doctor/gynaecologist.