Answering awkward questions
Children have a habit of
putting you on the spot by asking ask awkward questions – usually when you are in a busy shopping mall. I remember
quickly steering my shopping-cart into the next aisle when my daughter said (in
her loudest possible voice): ‘Look mommy, that man is having a baby, just like
you!’
Children
are curious and want to know about things that adults are not always comfortable
talking about. We’re happy to tell them about childhood fantasies like Father
Christmas and the tooth mouse, but we get tongue-tied when children ask about
death or divorce and where babies come from.
It’s
important to answer children’s questions honestly and frankly because you want
to build a trusting relationship with your child, so that when they get older,
they will come to you with questions about love and life.
Your child asks about death
Children are not spared death
and dying. Whether it’s their pet mouse, a grandparent or sometimes even a
parent, it’s not easy explaining to them that death is permanent. Children, as do
adults, need to be given the chance to grieve. This means feeling sad, angry,
frustrated and even rejected. Children should be given the chance to cry and
talk about how they are feeling.
Approach the subject by
telling the child that dying is part of living. If we shield children from the
realities of death, we’re reinforcing denial. If we’re secretive and don’t want
to talk about death, we make children feel insecure and afraid of the unknown.
When we’re honest with children and tell them that their loved one’s spirit has
simply left their earthly body to find everlasting happiness in heaven – their
imaginations (depending on their age) will create happy images. And, that's
good news.
Sometimes adults believe that
children should not go to funerals. When I was a child, my siblings and I were ‘spared’
going to our father’s funeral. I remember everybody crying and wearing black,
but nobody spoke to us about what was happening. As a result, we children never
got closure and our fathers ‘disappearance’ remained an unspoken sadness. Many
years later, when I was in my 40’s, a psychiatrist gave me a box of tissues and
told me to have a good cry!
Where do babies come from?
Today’s children don’t buy the
stork-story – they know about big tummies and babies growing in there. How did
it get there – well mommies have an egg, and the little egg grows into a baby.
That’s it. Pre-schoolers are not interested in sperm and sex, and pre-teens
will say yuk!
Tweens should be told more
about the consequences of sex, that sex is special and, like waiting to buy
their first motor-car or leaving home one day, there’s a right-time for
everything in life.
Your child asks about condoms
Oops! Your child found those
neat little packages in your bathroom cabinet – and what’s more, showed them to
his friends and they blew them up!
Don’t shout, make your child
feel guilty or embarrassed. If your child is still young and naïve, admit they
are special balloons, but not for birthday parties!
Your teenager won’t ask about
condoms – they’ll be too embarrassed. It is a good idea when you’re having the
‘birds-and-the-bees’ talk to tell them about condoms and their purpose. Point
out that while they help to prevent pregnancy and provide some protection against a
few sexually-transmitted-infections like gonorrhoea, HPV and HIV, they can’t do
much for genital warts (that can become cancerous) and syphilis.
Pads and tampons:
These are often advertised on
TV and in magazines, prompting the question: what are they? You can say that
they’re cotton wool that women like to use.
Your child says "I hate you …"
Don’t take it personally. Very
young children are experimenting with words and reactions from adults. Simply
ask why they hate you – most of the time you’ll be pleasantly surprised when
you discover that there’s a pretty simple explanation to their outburst.
Your child says: "I've got a boy/girlfriend"
“Oh yes,” you say. “And what
is his/her name?”
When all else
fails, answer a question with a question. Your child’s answer will give you a
clue as to where the question came from in the first place. It will also give
you a chance to think about it and come up with the right answer!
