Coping
with a new baby
I recently visited a mom with her new-born
and listening to her story about the birth reminded me how difficult and
traumatic those early weeks of motherhood can be, and how little women are
prepared for this ordeal.
Riva Rubin, an American midwife in
the 60’s, who worked with hundreds of women in post-natal wards, was the first
to recognise and document the behaviour of a new mother. Back then, women used
to spend 10 days (at least) in hospital – longer if she had a C-section. During
the first week after birth, Rubin identified three distinct phases: Taking-in,
Taking-hold and Letting go.
Taking-in: This phase typically lasts the first and second
day. During this time, the mother recovers from the birth and is not
particularly interested in her baby. This is because she is exhausted, sore and
hungry. She only wants to eat and sleep. When the mother is awake, she relives
every minute of her labour and birth. It’s the only thing she can think and
talk about, comparing her expectations to what actually happened - which are
usually poles apart. She may be disappointed about many things – from the
labour ward to the bedside manner of her gynaecologist!
Taking-hold: On the second and third day (incidentally this
coincides with her milk ‘coming-in’) the mother is feeling a lot better and can
focus on her baby. She feels more in control and wants to learn everything she
can about baby-care. She is keen to breast-feed, bath and look after her baby.
Letting-go: This is when a new mother ‘let’s-go’ of who she was
and learns to accept her new role as a mother. Her life has changed. Never
again will she watch the news of school shootings, drowned refugee toddlers and
starving children with the same eyes. Her instincts to protect and nurture her baby
surface with the vengeance of a mother-bear. Even her relationship with her
baby’s father changes.
It’s not surprising then that women
are not ‘elated’ after the birth of her baby. She has so much to deal with – so
many things she was not expecting. The pain – sore breasts, sore perineum (the
area between the vagina and anus that suffers the most trauma during a natural
birth) or her cut after a C-section. She is exhausted adjusting to being
‘on-call’ 24/7 to a squirmy little parasite who only poops, pukes and cries! She
feels insecure every time her baby cries – and wonders what she is doing wrong.
She wonders if she is doing things right – changing the nappy, burping the
baby, feeding! She resents magazines and baby-books for their idyllic pictures
of happy mothers with content babies when she feels just the opposite.
In my experience, the letting-go phase
is the most difficult to deal with and can last much longer than a few weeks. This
is when post-natal stress can become post-natal depression. Superficially,
women have to cope – and be ‘super-women’ – preparing gourmet meals, looking
glamorous and getting back into their skinny-jeans. The bigger the gap between
womanhood (her first period) and motherhood, the longer it takes to adapt. Younger
women who have not established a career tend to accept motherhood a lot
quicker than company CEO’s – even when she can afford a night-nurse and daytime
nanny when she goes back to work. Little do people realise that behind her
desk, she’s in never-never land!
Coping
tips:
- Babies are new-born for the first 6 weeks. This is your 'baby-moon' when you learn to be a mother.
- This is the time to focus on yourself – spend time with your baby and not worry about routine or chores.
- Mooch around in your slippers and dressing gown in the morning – but have a bath and be dressed by noon.
- When friends offer to help, ask them to bring you meals, help with the laundry or even sit with the baby while you take a bath or shower.
- Eat healthy. Drink lots of liquids.
- Talk to other women who are wearing the T-shirt.
- Don’t sweat the small-stuff. The world will keep turning without you.
Remember that one day you will wake
up and the sun will be shining. Everything will feel ‘right’ – at least for a
while!
