What to say when your
BFF is seriously ill
“I’m so sorry you’re sick: I want you to know that I
will never try to sell you some random treatment I read about on the internet.”
When Emily McDowell had cancer, she
was amazed by the ridiculous things people said to her. Now in remission, she
is designing her own range of ‘get well’ cards. The above is a quote from one
of these.
When people are ill with what seems
to be an incurable illness, they don’t know how to respond and what to say. I
know this because I was diagnosed with Lupus 12 years ago, and for the first
couple of months, I walked around in a dwaal. I opened my medical books and
read frantically. While some gave the impression that this wasn’t really
serious and could be easily managed with medication and life-style changes,
others gave a prognosis of doom and gloom, inevitable complications and
imminent death. I put my medical books aside and ignored Dr Google.
Over the years, I’ve learned to
keep my mouth shut and my feelings under my hat when I’m in the public eye.
This because, as Emily discovered, people say such ridiculous things!
Either they’re fundi’s who know all about your illness, then go on to tell you all the gory details about somebody
they knew who suffered for years. Thanks. Or they’re promoting some amazing
product that healed their best-friends-brother-in-law and
you-would-be-a-fool-not-to-try-it. Some people even give you a run-down of what you
should and shouldn’t be doing and contradict the treatment you’re getting
from a qualified specialist at the hospital. The best is when people tell you
to do something about your religion and how to pep-up your spiritual life and believe (that you will get
better) – because quite clearly you don’t!
You also get people who cross-question
you like you’re at an inquisition. How do you feel and what did the doctor say
and how did this happen and will they get it? Oh boy! It just makes you want to
run away!
Your best friend has phoned to tell
you she has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
- Keep quiet and let her talk
- Make a lunch-date
- Offer to go to the hospital with her
- Buy her bubble-bath
- Offer to look after her children so she can go to the hairdresser
- Bake her a batch of biscuits
- Offer to help with the shopping or go shopping together
- Make her a meal
- Make her laugh
- Go to a movie or babysit so she can go on a date with her man
- Send her short, encouraging SMS messages
- Be there for her.
Don’t avoid your BFF because you don’t
know what to say. Don’t pretend that the diagnosis doesn’t exist – talk about it. Don’t tell her about
somebody who recovered miraculously and how amazing they were and never
complained. Don’t offer to take her to church – let this be something she does on
her own when she’s ready.
What I learned was that the most
unexpected people came out of the woods and were there for me when I needed
them. People that I had been working closely with for years dropped me like a
piece of hot shit. To them, I had become useless and redundant. They no longer
needed me. Not one word of caring or sympathy. Amazing. Please don’t make this
mistake. It hurts.
Serious illness can bring out the
best or the worst in people. Luckily, I found a whole new bunch of friends, I
discovered another way of helping to support our family financially by writing
and using my gift of music and handcrafts. My hospital visits are an education
and I meet the most amazing people – many of whom are a lot worse off than I
am, yet they don’t blame God (or their parents) for doing this to them!
So, pick up the phone and speak to
the friend you have been avoiding because you don’t know what to say to
him/her. Quote Emily if you like.
