Parenting teenagers

5 mistakes I made when my kids were teens

Okay, I made a lot more than five mistakes – but these were the biggies.

• I thought that my children would be mine forever (after all, I made them).  I had to learn to ‘let go’ so they could make their own decisions (and yes, their own mistakes too)
• I took it personally when their friends (and their friend’s opinions) were more important than mine
• I wasn’t the greatest ‘spectator’ mom when it came to sporting events (OMGosh I missed my son’s cricket ‘hat trick’ and countless other sporting feats)
• I never imagined that my teenagers would dabble in sex, alcohol or drugs
• I compared my parenting skills with other parents (usually those who had perfect kids!)

Looking back, I realise that, just 30-something, I had four children. At 40-something, I was a grandmother.

I should have known then what I know today. Luckily, kids are forgiving – and so are their parents.

Top tips:

Make time for your teenager:

Teens are private people. They like to spend time alone. They hate family outings. Church is out of the question. So, when your teenager asks a question or your opinion (usually when you’re hectically busy) STOP what you’re doing and listen. Let the food burn, the phone ring, the dogs bark. Give your teenager your 100% attention. A teenager’s window of communication is small. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.

Give clear instructions:

It’s so easy to presume that teenagers understand what you’re telling them to do because they usually grumble “I know, I know!” But teenagers live in a world of their own. When they’re in love, time stands still. They listen but hear nothing. When there’s a misunderstanding, they can misread your emotional signals and see them as angry and hostile.

Teenagers have to learn the hard way:

Millennials live in a harsh adult world. They’re unprotected from the lure of sex, drugs and alcohol. On top of this, their brains are flooded with dopamine – the chemical that reinforces pleasurable behaviour. We know that teenagers are fascinated by the forbidden (weren’t we young once?). They get a thrill out of risk-taking. Pointing out these dangers is meaningless and punishment provokes resentment. It’s best to warn them about tangible consequences – like getting kicked off the football team if they don't get better grades.

Their internal clock is screwed:

It’s called ‘diurnal rhythm’. In other words, teenagers are wide-awake when everybody else is asleep and seriously sleepy when they should be awake. Look up pineal gland in the brain and you will learn that this is the gland that secretes the hormone called melatonin or the ‘darkness hormone’. It helps us fall asleep. Babies are born without melatonin, but once they’re experiencing day and night, they start making this hormone and this is when their sleeping pattern settles down. Levels of melatonin peak for adults at about 10pm when we start getting ready for bed, but for teenagers, it’s as though their brain is programmed to start night-time much later. This is about 1am.

Feed them – teenagers get ferociously hungry:

A teenager’s brain is undergoing pruning, ovaries and testicles are pouring oestrogen and testosterone into the blood stream, teenagers are growing and they’re the most physically active they will ever be. Adrenalin is attaching itself to serotonin and other brain chemicals that affects their mood and excitability. Add low blood sugar levels to this cocktail and you have an extremely irritable teenager on your hands. Keep the fridge stocked with healthy alternatives besides chocolate cake and frozen pizza.

Adolescence lasts only six years. At the time, it seems like an eternity. It’s rewarding when your teenagers become adults. You can have a conversation with them. Ultimately, you become extremely fond and proud of them. Then you realise that all the hard work that went into making them, was well worth the effort. Don't give up!

Answering those difficult questions

Answering awkward questions

Children have a habit of putting you on the spot by asking ask awkward questions – usually when you are in a busy shopping mall. I remember quickly steering my shopping-cart into the next aisle when my daughter said (in her loudest possible voice): ‘Look mommy, that man is having a baby, just like you!’

Children are curious and want to know about things that adults are not always comfortable talking about. We’re happy to tell them about childhood fantasies like Father Christmas and the tooth mouse, but we get tongue-tied when children ask about death or divorce and where babies come from.

It’s important to answer children’s questions honestly and frankly because you want to build a trusting relationship with your child, so that when they get older, they will come to you with questions about love and life.

Your child asks about death

Children are not spared death and dying. Whether it’s their pet mouse, a grandparent or sometimes even a parent, it’s not easy explaining to them that death is permanent. Children, as do adults, need to be given the chance to grieve. This means feeling sad, angry, frustrated and even rejected. Children should be given the chance to cry and talk about how they are feeling.

Approach the subject by telling the child that dying is part of living. If we shield children from the realities of death, we’re reinforcing denial. If we’re secretive and don’t want to talk about death, we make children feel insecure and afraid of the unknown. When we’re honest with children and tell them that their loved one’s spirit has simply left their earthly body to find everlasting happiness in heaven – their imaginations (depending on their age) will create happy images. And, that's good news.

Sometimes adults believe that children should not go to funerals. When I was a child, my siblings and I were ‘spared’ going to our father’s funeral. I remember everybody crying and wearing black, but nobody spoke to us about what was happening. As a result, we children never got closure and our fathers ‘disappearance’ remained an unspoken sadness. Many years later, when I was in my 40’s, a psychiatrist gave me a box of tissues and told me to have a good cry!

Where do babies come from?

Today’s children don’t buy the stork-story – they know about big tummies and babies growing in there. How did it get there – well mommies have an egg, and the little egg grows into a baby. That’s it. Pre-schoolers are not interested in sperm and sex, and pre-teens will say yuk!  

Tweens should be told more about the consequences of sex, that sex is special and, like waiting to buy their first motor-car or leaving home one day, there’s a right-time for everything in life.

Your child asks about condoms

Oops! Your child found those neat little packages in your bathroom cabinet – and what’s more, showed them to his friends and they blew them up!

Don’t shout, make your child feel guilty or embarrassed. If your child is still young and naïve, admit they are special balloons, but not for birthday parties!

Your teenager won’t ask about condoms – they’ll be too embarrassed. It is a good idea when you’re having the ‘birds-and-the-bees’ talk to tell them about condoms and their purpose. Point out that while they help to prevent pregnancy and provide some protection against a few sexually-transmitted-infections like gonorrhoea, HPV and HIV, they can’t do much for genital warts (that can become cancerous) and syphilis.

    

Pads and tampons:

These are often advertised on TV and in magazines, prompting the question: what are they? You can say that they’re cotton wool that women like to use.

Your child says "I hate you …"

Don’t take it personally. Very young children are experimenting with words and reactions from adults. Simply ask why they hate you – most of the time you’ll be pleasantly surprised when you discover that there’s a pretty simple explanation to their outburst.  

Your child says: "I've got a boy/girlfriend"

“Oh yes,” you say. “And what is his/her name?”

When all else fails, answer a question with a question. Your child’s answer will give you a clue as to where the question came from in the first place. It will also give you a chance to think about it and come up with the right answer!

When a woman becomes a mother for the first time

Coping with a new baby

I recently visited a mom with her new-born and listening to her story about the birth reminded me how difficult and traumatic those early weeks of motherhood can be, and how little women are prepared for this ordeal.

Riva Rubin, an American midwife in the 60’s, who worked with hundreds of women in post-natal wards, was the first to recognise and document the behaviour of a new mother. Back then, women used to spend 10 days (at least) in hospital – longer if she had a C-section. During the first week after birth, Rubin identified three distinct phases: Taking-in, Taking-hold and Letting go.

Taking-in: This phase typically lasts the first and second day. During this time, the mother recovers from the birth and is not particularly interested in her baby. This is because she is exhausted, sore and hungry. She only wants to eat and sleep. When the mother is awake, she relives every minute of her labour and birth. It’s the only thing she can think and talk about, comparing her expectations to what actually happened - which are usually poles apart. She may be disappointed about many things – from the labour ward to the bedside manner of her gynaecologist!  

Taking-hold: On the second and third day (incidentally this coincides with her milk ‘coming-in’) the mother is feeling a lot better and can focus on her baby. She feels more in control and wants to learn everything she can about baby-care. She is keen to breast-feed, bath and look after her baby.

Letting-go: This is when a new mother ‘let’s-go’ of who she was and learns to accept her new role as a mother. Her life has changed. Never again will she watch the news of school shootings, drowned refugee toddlers and starving children with the same eyes. Her instincts to protect and nurture her baby surface with the vengeance of a mother-bear. Even her relationship with her baby’s father changes.

It’s not surprising then that women are not ‘elated’ after the birth of her baby. She has so much to deal with – so many things she was not expecting. The pain – sore breasts, sore perineum (the area between the vagina and anus that suffers the most trauma during a natural birth) or her cut after a C-section. She is exhausted adjusting to being ‘on-call’ 24/7 to a squirmy little parasite who only poops, pukes and cries! She feels insecure every time her baby cries – and wonders what she is doing wrong. She wonders if she is doing things right – changing the nappy, burping the baby, feeding! She resents magazines and baby-books for their idyllic pictures of happy mothers with content babies when she feels just the opposite.

In my experience, the letting-go phase is the most difficult to deal with and can last much longer than a few weeks. This is when post-natal stress can become post-natal depression. Superficially, women have to cope – and be ‘super-women’ – preparing gourmet meals, looking glamorous and getting back into their skinny-jeans. The bigger the gap between womanhood (her first period) and motherhood, the longer it takes to adapt. Younger women who have not established a career tend to accept motherhood a lot quicker than company CEO’s – even when she can afford a night-nurse and daytime nanny when she goes back to work. Little do people realise that behind her desk, she’s in never-never land!

Coping tips:

• Babies are new-born for the first 6 weeks. This is your 'baby-moon' when you learn to be a mother.
• This is the time to focus on yourself – spend time with your baby and not worry about routine or chores.
• Mooch around in your slippers and dressing gown in the morning – but have a bath and be dressed by noon.
• When friends offer to help, ask them to bring you meals, help with the laundry or even sit with the baby while you take a bath or shower.
• Eat healthy. Drink lots of liquids.
• Talk to other women who are wearing the T-shirt.
• Don’t sweat the small-stuff. The world will keep turning without you.

Remember that one day you will wake up and the sun will be shining. Everything will feel ‘right’ – at least for a while!

   

When your child won't eat

PICKY EATERS

Here’s what I recently read in another parenting blog:

‘I complained about our mealtime struggles to a friend with a 6-year-old daughter, and she said, “I know what you mean! Last night Ava said she wanted noodles for dinner, so I made noodles, and she didn’t touch them. Then she said she wanted edamame, so I made that, and she didn’t touch it. Then she said she wanted a bagel, so I made that, and still she didn’t eat a bite. Can you believe it?”’

Frankly yes, I believe the story, but it’s the mother who flummoxed me. Playing genie to her child who's enjoying the game! When I was growing up, we ate what we got. My mother never asked what our preferences were. The only in-between snacking was fruit from the trees in the back garden.  My children grew up with the same rules – except that they could choose their favourite food on their birthday.

I understand that sometimes, young children are like an air plant – called a Tillandsia. These tropical plants are epiphytes, which means they don't need potting soil and only minimal care. You don’t even need to water them! Sometimes, children seem to live on fresh air.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that you should neglect your children. It’s just that this total oblivion to the need of food typically happens between the ages of 4 and 8. Children are interested in more important things like Superman or Frozen. Their growth-rate has also slowed down.

Your child’s right-now appetite has a lot to do with metabolism and genetics, emotions, daily routine, how physically active s/he is and any medications they may be taking – e.g. Ritalin is known to suppress their appetite.  

One size does not fit all. As babies graduate to childhood, they become individuals with different needs. They grow at a different pace and their eating patterns change. They will eat when they’re hungry. Their likes and dislikes wax and wane – sometimes they will only eat fish-fingers, and another, they won’t even look at them!

Children who get a cooked meal at school or after-care may only need a light supper in the evening.

If your child is growing, playful and energetic, sleeping well and has a good skin colour, don’t stress. Living on fresh-air is temporary.

Don’t:

Allow this become a meal-time tug-of-war or battle-of-wills. If your child won’t eat what’s on his plate, don’t let him leave the table until the family is finished eating.

Don’t prepare something different for him.

Don’t let him snack afterwards.

Don’t let this be a primary topic of conversation with your friends.

Do:

Set an example

Get your child to help with the meal preparation – e.g. peeling and grating the carrots

Eat at the table as a family – with the TV turned off

Serve small portions of everything

Top-up on missed minerals and vitamins with a recommended supplement or milk-shake.

When to worry: Children who are listless and lethargic, pale and lose weight should be seen by a doctor.

Breaking the news when bad things happen to you

How do you break the news when bad things happen to you?

Bad things happen to all of us. When it does, you’re thrown into UNCHARTERED TERRITORY. Territory you’ve done your best to avoid.

When bad things happen to you, it’s a scary. You feel alone and isolated. Your life is unexpectedly turned upside-down. Everything you have worked so hard for is pulled from under your feet. The cause could be a devastating fire, retrenchment or a robbery. Your life can be changed in a flash after a car, aeroplane or work-place accident. Life is never the same after the loss of a spouse, child or parent.  How do you cope when you’re diagnosed with a terminal or chronic illness, infertility or HIV? What do you do when your teenager tells you they’re gay, pregnant or has a STI (Sexually Transmitted Disease)? Who do you turn to when somebody you love is taking drugs, drinking and wasting their life?

Feeling helpless can send you into a spiral of depression and self-pity. Everyday becomes a nightmare of trying to cope with the everyday demands of living while drowning in a whirlpool of anxiety and stress. People’s pity lasts no more than three months – then they move on. It's to be expected. They’ve got problems of their own, and trying to deal with yours will only put a noose around their necks.

You have no choice but to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again!

Don’t be in a hurry to do this – do it when you’re ready.

Fortunately we have a few instinctive coping mechanisms. Endorphins overrule pain and adrenalin initiates the fight/flight reflex whenever there’s crises. When you hit the replay button, you are amazed how well you coped at the time. But now, dealing with the aftermath, when reality hits the fan, means that you need super-staying-power, strength and resilience. In her book “Pack up your Gloomees in a Great Big Box, then sit on them and laugh!” Barbara Johnson writes: “Do whatever it takes to make yourself more comfortable. 

Think of yourself for a change!”

When bad things happen to you, who do you tell?

• Tell immediate family – otherwise they will come to their own conclusions, and these could be way off the mark
• Spare the old folk too much detail. This of course depends on circumstances, their emotional strength and resilience. The news may be too much of a shock for them, or it may stress them unnecessarily – and what can they do anyway?
• Tell a few trusted friends.
• Only tell those who you think will be supportive – not the gossip-mongers!
• Tell your boss so that s/he understands your situation.

As Barbara writes: “You are in for the long-haul; Share your problem with a few who can encourage you spiritually. Do whatever will help you get your priorities in order to keep your home together.”

Pamper yourself – be selfish sometimes!

Above all: remember that FAITH WILL GET YOU THROUGH!

When I was diagnosed with Lupus I wondered how I was going to cope. I knew that God had already helped me through many crises situations in my life. One morning while waiting to see the doctor at the hospital, the nurse gave the patients a little pep-talk. After emphasising the importance of looking after our clinic card, honouring appointments and taking our medication, she reminded us that it was Friday and that we were to behave over the week-end! Then she said a little prayer.

Suddenly tears welled uncontrollably from my eyes and fell like raindrops onto my lap. I had been bottling-up how I was feeling for months, blocking my emotions and avoiding the reality of my situation. Glynis, a fellow-patient sitting next to me, took me to the canteen for a cup of coffee. Then she prayed over me. I coped a lot better after that melt-down.

Get practical. Do your paper-work. Write a will. Have a funeral policy. Live each day, not as your last, but as your FIRST.

Tip: Read Isiah 41:13

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; It is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you’”.

Picture: Photograph I took on a sea-cruise to Walvis Bay.