Paige is
not alone. Communication between mothers and daughters has always been
difficult. Is it that there is no time, or finding the right moment to have a
serious talk with our daughters? Teens always ask questions when you’re
multi-tasking, so you’re likely to give them 'half-hearted' answers. I know. I’ve
done it myself.
Firstly,
you have to understand this changing relationship with your daughter. Unless
you were a once-upon-a-time Miss South Africa, don’t be surprised if your
daughter disowns you when she is with her friends. This hurts I know, but
you’re not her friend and she is not your ‘mini-me’. I’ve heard mothers say that
they were not going to have a mother-daughter relationship problem because
‘we’re best friends’. Now that she’s a teenager, you’re her mother, and a
monster mother at that – that’s what she tells her friends!
There are a few things that can rip your
relationship apart:
First, she
starts getting periods and her hormonal yo-yo, in disharmony with yours, can cause major emotional head-on
collisions. She’s also becoming Daddy’s girl and knows just how to wrap your man around her little finger. Finally, she’s watching and you have to earn her
trust and respect.
How to avoid conflict:
• Your daughter is learning about relationships with her 'besties'. Trust, respect and honesty are the three legs of a stable marriage. When she was a baby, she learned this from you. Now she’s learning from her girlfriends. Acquiring these qualities through friendship, out of the family comfort-zone, will help her build a sound relationship with the opposite sex one day.
• Don’t be jealous of the new daughter-dad relationship. Your daughter is learning about love, and a father’s love is the only non-sexual love-relationship she will ever have with the man in her life that she loves.
• Tell her about periods and how to cope with them. Give her tips you had to learn the hard way.
• Teach her how to look after herself – skin, nails, legs, hair. When a woman looks good, she feels good.
• Listen – don’t preach
• Tell her about boys: that they like to do the chasing, warn her against his charms, remind her that they are friends i.e. boyfriend and that if he likes her, he will make the first move.
• When your daughter asks questions like: “how do you know when you are pregnant?” don’t snap: “why do you want to know?”
• Teach her responsibility by giving her important chores around the house; cooking a meal, bathing the baby, helping with the shopping etc.
• Learn to ‘let go’. Don’t manage her time, decisions, projects and responsibilities. We all learn by making mistakes. This will teach her how to avoid making big mistakes when she is older.
• Make time for your daughter. Go for walks, cook (let her do the nice stuff – not just the washing-up) watch TV. This helps to open discussion.
• Your daughter is learning about relationships with her 'besties'. Trust, respect and honesty are the three legs of a stable marriage. When she was a baby, she learned this from you. Now she’s learning from her girlfriends. Acquiring these qualities through friendship, out of the family comfort-zone, will help her build a sound relationship with the opposite sex one day.
• Don’t be jealous of the new daughter-dad relationship. Your daughter is learning about love, and a father’s love is the only non-sexual love-relationship she will ever have with the man in her life that she loves.
• Tell her about periods and how to cope with them. Give her tips you had to learn the hard way.
• Teach her how to look after herself – skin, nails, legs, hair. When a woman looks good, she feels good.
• Listen – don’t preach
• Tell her about boys: that they like to do the chasing, warn her against his charms, remind her that they are friends i.e. boyfriend and that if he likes her, he will make the first move.
• When your daughter asks questions like: “how do you know when you are pregnant?” don’t snap: “why do you want to know?”
• Teach her responsibility by giving her important chores around the house; cooking a meal, bathing the baby, helping with the shopping etc.
• Learn to ‘let go’. Don’t manage her time, decisions, projects and responsibilities. We all learn by making mistakes. This will teach her how to avoid making big mistakes when she is older.
• Make time for your daughter. Go for walks, cook (let her do the nice stuff – not just the washing-up) watch TV. This helps to open discussion.
If you’re
despairing, don’t. Teenager-hood is six brief ( if not traumatising) years. Bear
in mind that when your daughter has her own baby one day, you will be among the
first people to know. Then she will come to you for advice. She will also thank you
for what you did for her and she will understand what you sacrificed for her.
