Making room for romance

Women love romance! Teenage love is all about the thrill of love-letters, the first kiss, getting a ride home on his motorbike, a plastic rose on Valentine’s Day. As women mature, so does romance. We flirt with suggestive conversation, share a sense of humour, and have fun simply enjoying our man’s company. This naturally includes chocolates, dates, flowers and flattery – making all that preparation and expense worth it! Before you became pregnant, flirtatious love blossomed into passionate, physical love that was strong enough to survive the trials of pregnancy. 

And now, you’re Mom and romance needs to be revamped.  Your relationship has changed, and little things that would have been ho-hum before are ‘romantic’ e.g. grocery shopping (with him carrying the baby in a kangaroo pouch), watching him talk to your baby, him driving like a pensioner when the baby is in the car, looking after the baby for you while you take a nap / shower / go to book club. 

Pepping-up your love life after birth is not easy – but it’s well worth the effort! Slipping into a pattern of sloth because you’re tired is understandable, but if you let it go on for too long, your man is going to take the easy way out and put the blame on you when your relationship fizzles. While you’re slopping around the house in slippers with black rings around your eyes, he’s back at work surrounded by women wearing pencil skirts and gucci heels! 

Valentine’s Day is a great opportunity to revive the va-va-voom in your love-life! I remember one special shopping morning I spent with my daughter a few months after her baby-girl was born. We giggled like school-girls in Cardies checking through all the Valentine’s Day paraphernalia and fanaticising about the creams and body chocolate. We went from store to store choosing bits and bobs from here and there to put into the little red boxes we bought from a stationary store. It was great venturing beyond the comfort-zone of superficial conversation. It motivated us both to make the effort to do something about Valentine’s Day.

Men, in my opinion, make the mistake of thinking that once we have had his baby, we are mothers – THEIR mothers! So way off the mark! Men (okay, not ALL men) become practical and instead of buying flowers, they buy you something like a new spare tyre or a clothes dryer! They think it’s easier to eat at home than get a baby-sitter and eat out. When you do go out, he takes you to Spur where it’s crowded with noisy kids! His idea of a ‘family outing’ may be to soccer stadium. Comfort-love may be spending the day with in-laws!

So what to do ladies?

Entertain your imagination and fantasise some ideas. Sift through these again and decide which are doable! Like an events-manager, put some ideas onto paper (this makes them real) and make to-do lists (this will get you going!). It’s vital that you get your head right – you need to see yourself following through, not just buying the ingredients or the goodies. You need to see the evening play out so that you’re focused.

A little bottle of Champaign (even if you’re breastfeeding) is essential to get you relaxed and in the mood. Don’t let little things that go wrong get you down. Stay focused. Follow your plan. Make it simple. Like a first date. Communicate. Slow dance – even if it’s on your balcony or in your living room. Create the mood. Romance your man – and he WILL romance you!  

Badges of birth

Parents usually don’t notice an odd shaped head on the first day after birth mostly because they’re focused on their ‘beautiful baby’ and relieved that the birthing ordeal is over. On the second day when they regain consciousness, parents scrutinize every inch of their baby and understandably worry about every little bump and mark. 

These badges of birth include lumps and bruises from forceps, unintentional superficial cuts from the surgeon’s scalpel, swelling from pressure, overlapping skull bones (this is an intentional allowance made by nature to help the baby’s head fit through the pelvis) and blood spots called petechiae. All these disappear on their own. 

A nasty bump called a cephalhaematoma looks worse than it really is. This is a slight bleed into the skin covering the skull bone and is limited to where one bone joins another. Because it takes a few weeks for this lump to disappear, simply cover it with a beanie and people will stop asking questions!

Babies have extra-ordinarily big heads (25% of their body size) with big appealing eyes – like Caspar the friendly ghost. This helpless and alluring look tugs at our heart-strings and makes us reach out to babies in all circumstances. The skull is custom-designed to accommodate your baby’s fast growing brain which will be 95% adult size by the time s/he is six! At every clinic visit, the nursing sister/ doctor/paediatrician will measure your baby’s head diameter and record the growth. S/he will also check the fontanelles (soft spots) during the first year. This will ensure that any changes are picked up early and potential complications avoided or minimised.  

Parents should be on the look-out for changes to their baby’s cry, body language, colour, muscle tone and sucking reflex. Learn to listen to your instincts because mothers know best. If your doctor tells you that you a neurotic mother and waves your concerns aside, ask for another opinion. The only person who has written the text book for your child is you and you know your child best! An invaluable lesson to learn at the start of your parenting career!

It's baby-time! Big-time!

A babymoon (like a honeymoon) is especially helpful if your partner can take some paternity leave to help you recover. Physical, emotional, hormonal and social adjustments after the birth are bigger than we realise. If it takes nine months to make a baby, it’s going to take at least another nine to recover!

Riva Rubin, an American midwife way back in the 1960’s, gave a name to the three stages after the birth. She called them the Taking-In phase - this lasts from 2 hours after birth to 2 days, the Taking-Hold phase or first week home with baby, and finally the Letting-Go phase that can last 6 weeks. I personally doubt that mothers ever reach the stage of fully ‘letting-go’ because we always worry about our children!

During the Taking-In phase (usually spent in hospital) mom is focused on herself (rather than baby) and is dependent on others for help.

During the Take-Hold­ phase or first week home with baby, mom begins to focus more on baby. As her body recovers, so do her energy levels. When stitches begin to feel more comfortable it’s easier to look after herself. During this time a new mother wants to look after her baby – even though she may be afraid or apprehensive.

During the Letting-Go phase, a new mom is prepared to accept her new life and has come to terms with unmet expectations e.g. having an emergency C-section rather than the natural birth she was hoping for. Until this happens she may go through the ‘baby-blues’ for a while. If this is not resolved by six months, this could be post-natal depression and should be investigated.

One of the biggest adjustments parents have to make is disturbed sleep – something they will have to get used to till their children leave home! In Victorian mansions babies slept in nurseries and in African culture, women and babies were confined to sleeping in their own hut. But in today’s cities and townhouse complexes, a crying baby can keep the whole neighborhood awake! An easy solution is to simply put the baby into bed with you. Some couples take turns getting up or dad could fetch and change baby while mom breast-feeds. Each couple must do what’s best for them.

In the early days, unless ‘Top Billing’ is coming to film your house, take it easy when it comes to cleaning. As long as your house it tidy and you know where things are, a little bit of dirt won’t hurt anybody! Even better – sleep when baby sleeps!

Visitors are great and everybody wants to see the new baby, but too many too often can be overwhelming! Be honest when people ask if they can come over or when unexpected visitors pop and say ‘We’ll only be a minute’, make sure they do just that! 

Finally, it’s OK to occasionally still be in your slippers and dressing gown at noon – but make sure you’re freshly showered and wearing some make-up by the early afternoon!