Sometimes parents are so worried about shielding their
children from disappointments, they’re afraid to make commitments in case they
‘let them down’ or they shower their children with gifts and extravagant
promises when things don’t turn out as planned.
Life is full of disappointments and we all have to learn how
to deal with them. This begins in early childhood. A new sibling may turn out
to be the ‘wrong’ gender, a play-date can be a disaster, birthday parties
sometimes flop. It can rain when you’ve planned a picnic or there’s an
electricity outage in the middle of your child’s favourite TV programme.
Children who always get their own way are in for a shock
when they start school, and parents who bend over backwards to keep their
children happy are only making life harder for themselves and for their child.
Adolescence can be a disappointing wake-up call when hormones tone-down a
tween’s popularity status. School-leavers who have not learned to deal with
disappointments can feel overwhelmed in the real-world where ‘nobody knows your
name’, and they may become depressed.
When things don’t turn out as you anticipated:
- Be honest with your child when you give them the news, with a bit of space to think it through before you jump in with an alternative solution.
- Don’t just tell them the news and walk away. Be there to hug them and wipe away their tears or let them cry and stamp their feet.
- Tell them in an age appropriate way so that they understand – especially when the disappointment is permanent such as when a pet dies.
- Don’t create a new situation by making promises you may not be able to keep. “We can’t go to the zoo today, but I promise you I will take you to the circus the next time they’re in town.” (When did you last see a circus cavalcade?)
- Only make promises that you can absolutely keep.
- Give your child something constructive to do, or spend quality time with your child – bake, make something, go to the library or a book store. Distraction is a great pacifier.
- Make sure your child understands that the situation is not their fault. A child may have to miss a school outing because he has Chicken-Pox. He needs to understand why he has to stay at home because he can make the other children sick and is not being punished for being sick.
- Sometimes children just have to understand that they can’t have karate / dancing / music lessons because their parents can’t afford them. Children who grow up with little learn to appreciate everything they have in life when they’re older.
- Compensate them with hugs and kisses rather than with sweets and toys.
The amazing thing about children is that they soon forget,
are easily distracted and are very forgiving. They don’t hold a grudge against
their parents or put into their memory bank every little thing that went wrong (even
if it was your slip-up) e.g. when “the tooth-fairy forgets to come!”.
