5 mistakes I made when my kids were teens
Okay, I made a
lot more than five mistakes – but these were the biggies.
- I thought that my children would be mine forever (after all, I made them). I had to learn to ‘let go’ so they could make their own decisions (and yes, their own mistakes too)
- I took it personally when their friends (and their friend’s opinions) were more important than mine
- I wasn’t the greatest ‘spectator’ mom when it came to sporting events (OMGosh I missed my son’s cricket ‘hat trick’ and countless other sporting feats)
- I never imagined that my teenagers would dabble in sex, alcohol or drugs
- I compared my parenting skills with other parents (usually those who had perfect kids!)
Looking back, I realise that, just
30-something, I had four children. At 40-something, I was a grandmother.
I should have known then what I
know today. Luckily, kids are forgiving – and so are their parents.
Top tips:
Make time for your teenager:
Teens are private people. They like
to spend time alone. They hate family outings. Church is out of the question.
So, when your teenager asks a question or your opinion (usually when you’re
hectically busy) STOP what you’re doing and listen. Let the food burn, the
phone ring, the dogs bark. Give your teenager your 100% attention. A teenager’s
window of communication is small. Don’t miss out on this opportunity.
Give clear instructions:
It’s so easy to presume that
teenagers understand what you’re telling them to do because they usually
grumble “I know, I know!” But teenagers live in a world of their own. When
they’re in love, time stands still. They listen but hear nothing. When there’s
a misunderstanding, they can misread your emotional signals and see them as angry
and hostile.
Teenagers have to learn the hard way:
Millennials live in a harsh adult
world. They’re unprotected from the lure of sex, drugs and alcohol. On top of
this, their brains are flooded with dopamine – the chemical that reinforces
pleasurable behaviour. We know that teenagers are fascinated by the forbidden
(weren’t we young once?). They get a thrill out of risk-taking. Pointing out
these dangers is meaningless and punishment provokes resentment. It’s best to
warn them about tangible consequences – like getting kicked off the football
team if they don't get better grades.
Their internal clock is screwed:
It’s called ‘diurnal rhythm’. In
other words, teenagers are wide-awake when everybody else is asleep and
seriously sleepy when they should be awake. Look up pineal gland in the brain
and you will learn that this is the gland that secretes the hormone called
melatonin or the ‘darkness hormone’. It helps us fall asleep. Babies are born
without melatonin, but once they’re experiencing day and night, they start
making this hormone and this is when their sleeping pattern settles down. Levels
of melatonin peak for adults at about 10pm when we start getting ready for bed,
but for teenagers, it’s as though their brain is programmed to start night-time
much later. This is about 1am.
Feed them – teenagers get ferociously
hungry:
A teenager’s brain is undergoing
pruning, ovaries and testicles are pouring oestrogen and testosterone into the
blood stream, teenagers are growing and they’re the most physically active they
will ever be. Adrenalin is attaching itself to serotonin and other brain
chemicals that affects their mood and excitability. Add low blood sugar levels
to this cocktail and you have an extremely irritable teenager on your hands.
Keep the fridge stocked with healthy alternatives besides chocolate cake and
frozen pizza.
Adolescence
lasts only six years. At the time, it seems like an eternity. It’s rewarding
when your teenagers become adults. You can have a conversation with them.
Ultimately, you become extremely fond and proud of them. Then you realise that
all the hard work that went into making them, was well worth the effort. Don't give up!
