“Mom, Dad, I got a
boy/girlfriend”
I remember my first boyfriend. His name was Paul and we were in first
grade together. We were going to get married. Paul was going to be an airline
pilot, and I was going to be an air-hostess. When I left the school because our
family moved, we never saw each other again. Years later I was saddened to
learn that Paul was tragically killed in a motor-bike accident before he
finished school. He sure made those first few years of school fun!
Parents are amused when little children innocently tell them they have a
boy/girlfriend. Parents know that it’s normal and all part of growing up. In
pre- and early primary school days (before hormones kick in) boys and girls
happily play together and enjoy each other’s company. One little four-year-old
girl, who only ever wanted to wear pants and shorts to school, suddenly
insisted that she wear dresses. When her mother wanted to know why, she was
told that her ‘boyfriend’ preferred her to dress like a girl.
Pre-school children are aware of their gender differences, and accept
these unquestioningly as they do race differences. As far as they’re concerned,
boys and girls are on the same page. While they watch what their parents do – mother’s
looking after the baby and father’s cutting the grass or fixing the car – their
roles are interchangeable. Girls are allowed to join-in with the boys’ games while
boys are welcome to play in the Wendy-House with the girls.
In first and second grade at school, boy-girl games begin to change. Now
they start ‘ganging-up’ against each another with the boys chasing the girls
around the playground while the girls squeal in delighted-objection! Should the
chase stop – or need a nudge to get started in the first place – the girls
antagonize the boys till they get their attention. In the same way, the boys
will tease the girls and interrupt their game and the girls will retaliate by
chasing them away. Sometimes they become so engrossed in the chase, they forget
about the game they were playing in the first place!
Children learn about life and each other through play. But what should
adults do when play becomes inappropriate? I spoke to a social worker at the
Teddy Bear’s Clinic at the children’s Transvaal Memorial Institute (TMI), Johannesburg.
“We must remember that children are naturally curious, and they also live
what they learn,” she said. “Children of pre-school age (from four years) till
Grade 1 (seven years) copy their parents in role play at school. But they’re
also learning socially acceptable behavior. For example, if their parents walk
around naked at home, that’s OK in their private capacity, but it’s not acceptable
at school. Little children simply need to be told without making a fuss or
making them feel ashamed or rejected because they can’t do this at school. If a
child is integrating his curiosity to other children, then this must be looked
at in context. One has to take into consideration how often this behaviour is happening, how severe it is and
the extent of the invasion (of other children). For the most part, children
only need to be told once that ‘it’s not nice to do that’ which is sufficient
for the child not to try that trick again! However, when this behavior
persists, one needs to investigate and speak to the parents and ask them why
their child is behaving in this way.”
When parents are in denial, they may become aggressive or even turn on
the teacher and other parents who are only trying to help. Let’s face it, family
and work pressures are huge today. As a result, many children are growing up
with single or divorced parents and they see their parents with different
‘boyfriends’ and ‘girlfriends’. They copy what they see at home when they’re at
school. Some children are allowed to watch inappropriate TV. How are little
children supposed to know the difference between what’s right and wrong when
it’s not only cartoons they watching, but also sex and violence from the same
screen?
When children become aggressive, this may come from something that has,
or is happening to them. Depending on family circumstances, the child’s
disposition and opportunities he has to overcome this aggression, aggressive children will not necessarily
become aggressive adults, providing
the problem is nipped in the bud. The social worker I spoke to told me that children
who are seen and treated at the Teddy Bears Clinic (a clinic for the
rehabilitation of abused and sexually abused children) show a marked change in
behavior six months to a year later.
Children should be taught ‘grace’ and courtesy’ towards other boys and girls at school, by their parents. This
teaches them ‘respect and dignity’ towards others that will certainly come in useful
when they’re teenagers and adults one day.
