Ping-Pong kids
When couples split and their
children are shared, it’s pretty rough on everybody – especially the children.
When couples go a step further and start a new family with a different partner,
children have some serious adapting to do. While some are more resilient and
quickly adapt, others take longer, may struggle, or just not cope at all.
Children and circumstances are different.
What applies to one family, doesn’t apply to another. Outsiders don’t really
understand what’s going on in a family because we all cope differently. Every
family is unique, and it’s not for the world to know our problems.
I am in no position to tell couples
what they should or shouldn’t do, but I do know that all couples are looking
for help and advice somewhere along the way. This can be through their church,
counsellors, therapists, social workers or support groups. Couples can listen
to advice, but it’s up to them to put it into practice. Sometimes it makes
sense and helps, other times it doesn’t.
In my opinion, it helps to
understand children’s needs. They don’t need material things to make up for
your feeling guilty, or to make you look like the good / trendy / generous or
‘lekker’ parent. Vance Packard, one of my favourite authors, writes in his book
“Our Endangered Children – growing up in a changing world” (which I highly
recommend reading) what children need.
- They need to feel wanted and accepted
- A continuity in relationships with their biological or psychological parents
- A sense that there is a regular, dependable quality to the world in which they live
- Thoughtful guidance in coping with the demands of growing up.
Packard encourages parents to give
their children a feeling of self-worth and self-esteem by:
- Instilling a sense of trust with loving attention
- Being a good, active listener
- Always treating your child with respect
- Encouraging your child’s attempts to take the initiative to move towards independence, to be self-directing and setting reasonable goals.
If you give some attention to your
child’s needs, you will do the right
thing, and feel better about yourself as a parent – no matter the
circumstances. Take one day – or one week-end – at a time, and put your child’s
needs first. In this way, you’ll all get along a whole lot better!
Photograph with thanks from free
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