Why does my toddler need a comforter?

I want my blankie!

All hell breaks lose when your toddler loses his blankie / dummy / huggee-bunny. Parents often feel humiliated when their child needs a comforter in public – especially when strangers give you ‘the look’. They worry that it’s a sign of bad parenting, insecurity or emotional baggage.

RELAX if your child sucks his thumb, fingers or dummy or clings to a tattered blanket writes Dr Christopher Green in his book Toddler Taming. It doesn’t mean that s/he will be emotionally scarred for life or is struggling with insecurity. “Little children do it for only one reason: they enjoy it!” he writes. Sucking becomes more intense when the child is tired, bored, frustrated or feeling insecure. Sucking helps them to fall asleep. Although most toddlers have abandoned these habits by the time they’re three, according to Dr Christopher “up to two percent still have this habit in their early teens.” (I was from that two percent)

We know from scans that babies start sucking when they’re in the womb. After birth, sucking is their survival. Babies also comfort-suck their fingers, fist or tongue. New parents have to learn not to pick babies up for a feed, believing this to be a sign that they’re hungry.

Of course, we introduce the comforter in the first place. The dummy, the soft toy with a silk ribbon or the baby blanket. Besides having a comforter, babies like to have a routine; where and when they sleep, how they’re put down to sleep, the ebb and flow of house-hold noise, the smell of their blankets. This helps them to feel secure. Its also a way they learn trust. Children who feel secure, want to explore and be independent when they’re toddlers. In their own time and pace, children are able to ‘let go’ the need for the physical security from a favourite comforter.

Every child is an individual. As a couple, you’re opposites. While one partner may be more adventurous and outgoing, the other may be shy, reserved and hesitant when it comes to trying something new.  Today we know that by ruthlessly taking away a ‘little people’s’ personal source of comfort, children can regress or take longer to recover and progress. They are, after all, little people for only a few short years.

Why do children cling to their ‘comforters’?

• It helps them to cope with the interruptions of daily life.
• It helps them cope with disappointments, or when they’re reprimanded, feeling hurt or rejected.
• Comforters are a big help when there are family upheavals: moving house, starting play-school, going on holiday, a new sibling or grandparent’s moving in with the family.
• When they’re ill.
• When they’re frightened e.g. thunder storm, a barking dog, or uncomfortable e.g. too hot or too cold.

Top tips:

• Don’t tease or make fun of your child or deliberately take the comforter away.
• Easy as it is to lose your cool when the comforter is lost – resist the urge to smack or shout.
• Keep him distracted when he has forgotten about his comforter (especially after a few days).
• Keep a spare ‘comforter’ for emergencies.
• Dummies are better than bottles (especially after a year). NEVER give your child juice in a bottle at night.
• Much to the embarrassment of parents, genital stimulation is also a comforter. This is NORMAL. Simply distract.
• Children soon ‘grow-up’ and adapt to the social rules of their peers. This exclude the need for comforters!  

Coping with problems after baby is born

When can I hold my baby?

After hours of agonising labour, all that you want, is to hold your baby. Sometimes, this doesn’t happen. Sometimes it can be hours, days, weeks or even months before parents can cuddle their new baby. Wretched is the only word I can think of when this happens. There are so many questions: why, what if, and if only. It helps when family is supportive and doctors and nurses are friendly and understanding.

Let’s try and understand why complications happen, and what you can do to cope during this stressful time.

Obstetrics (babies and birth) is unpredictable. I learned this early in my midwifery training. Many a trouble-free pregnancy became nightmare births yet some complicated pregnancies were quick and easy deliveries. Ante-natal care has made childbirth safer. Problems are picked up early so that complications can be avoided, corrected or minimised. But sometimes, Mother Nature has a way of sneaking up on us, and catches us off guard.  

As soon as your baby is born, your doctor will assess how well your baby is coping. This quick assessment is called the APGAR and is a score out of 10 points: two points each for colour, cry, reflex, breathing and heart rate. Babies who score 8 - 10 are doing well. A score of less than 8 (but improving) may need some help. A low and deteriorating score calls for intervention or even resuscitation.

If you’ve had a few problems during your pregnancy, it’s very likely that there may be a few glitches at the birth (that was most likely a planned c-section) and these will, in one way or another, affect your baby. Most couples don’t pay much attention to Neonatal High Care when they have their ‘hospital tour’ – I know I didn’t when my youngest was prem – so it comes as a bit of a shock when your precious baby is admitted to the unit with monitors, beepers, incubators and machines. It’s really scary.

Your arms are empty when you’re separated from your baby. Besides an aching heart, your body is aching from surgery or the birth. Nurses and midwives are bustling busy and other mothers, in dressing gowns and slippers, are looking after their babies. It’s a double-whammy when you’re together in the same ward.

When you’ve been seen by the doctor and drips and catheters have been taken out, and it’s all good with the doctor, ask a nurse to take you in the wheelchair to see your baby. Take what you will need with you because you could be there for an hour or more – depending on how well you’re coping.

Give yourself time to take it all in when you get to the ICU. Don’t be surprised if you just want to run away or burst into tears. It’s a normal reaction. It’s hard on dad’s too (and they’re not allowed to cry).

Always wash your hands with the sanitiser at the door and you may be asked to wear a gown over yours. Unnecessary noise is kept to a minimum so as not to startle the babies. Lights are often dimmed and some units play quiet, soothing classical music.

The nursing sisters are specially trained to work in these units, and can answer all your questions. Remember that while this is a once-in-a-lifetime-experience for you, it’s their everyday work. There are no stupid questions and it’s better to ask the sister looking after your baby than googling the answer.

Unfortunately, only parents are allowed to visit these units. With special permission, Grandparents may be granted one visit only. It’s important that you prep them what to do, and remind them not to ask too many questions – or to be inquisitive about other babies in the unit.

Learn how to express your breast milk – it’s an important connection with your baby. Ask about kangaroo-Mothercare and when it will be possible to hold your baby skin-to-skin. Don’t be afraid to hold your new-born – the sister will be there to guide you every step of the way. Please don’t try and do anything on your own or without the sister’s permission or guidance.

Moms worry about other children at home. This is when family and friends can help – they can offer to look after siblings, bring meals and help with chores like the washing and cleaning.

Teeny-tiny preemies can be in hospital for months. It can become a tedious routine for parents and is a very stressful time, especially when there are setbacks and complications. Fortunately, medical science has advanced, and miracles do happen. I believe in the power of prayer and positive thinking. Emotional support from family and friends cannot be measured.

The day will come when you can bring your baby home. Sometimes this even comes as a shock to parents because they have closed their minds to this possibility. Then it’s a dizzying rush to have everything ready and some parents worry if they can cope.

Make it a special day for sibling and YOUR family only. I had a little welcome ‘party’ for the children with a chocolate cake and candles when their baby brother came home. Sorry, but friends, family and grandparents aren’t invited to this little party. The family needs time to adapt and settle in with their baby, and to feel comfortable with a new routine. They need to bond with their baby brother/sister who until now, has only been a rumour.

Work and the worries don’t stop there – but the family is over their first hurdle. Preemies are a lot of work when they come home. More about this in next month’s blog.